The Waldorfian Conundrum
by scrappy12
Summary: Post S5. This is my take on Blair's evolution as a woman. Blair begins to realize that with every choice she's made, there has been an reaction either good or bad. Through life's lessons and hardships, she begins to see what it is to really grow up and find the one thing that every person strives for.
1. August 2012

**Author's Note: So this story was a spur of the moment thought that was brought to life by many, many trips to Tumblr. I think we've all had a range of emotions, and I've read debates on what side people are on whether Team Dan or Team Blair then of course anti-Chair. I never really thought that it was so much as people hating Blair, but I think overall from my perspective and my own feelings, it was dissappointmetn in the character of Blair. I wanted to do a story that showed her evolving in a way that the writers won't let her do. I've written other fanfictions on this board, but I think this story is different from what I've done. **

**It'll be shorter. 10 chapters. In Blair's P.O.V. as she deals with life's lessons. I'll be uploading the whole story, so this is the only Author's Note that will go along with the story. I hope that you all will review each chapter and I hope you enjoy the story.**

* * *

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter One- **

**August 2012**

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**August 6 , 2012:**

Diamonds aren't always a girls best friend. I don't know who came up with that phrase, probably Marilyn Monroe if I give more thought to it. Looking on at the package he's sent over, it's clear that he won't be returning from Caico's. I'd like to believe that I was making some bit of progress with him, but when it comes to Chuck Bass, it's always a momentary thing with little influence on the future. The summer has been spent chasing down minimal clues that Jack's picked up at local burlesque clubs while Chuck, who's more than eager, charters jets to follow. Convincing and trying to prove myself to Chuck has served to more of a task than trying to get the swing of running my mother's company. I welcome any chance to return to New York as I'd rather spend my nights alone in a place called home than in a suite full of gifts promising to have some time together.

Dorota is elated to have me back as I show her numerous pictures of the islands I've visited. The pictures show off the scenery, but the more Dorota flips through the pictures, I begin to realize there is not one picture that shows us. I remember where and when I took the picture, then I remember him sitting a few feet away on the phone with one of Jack's lead. Seeing the pictures, it makes me feel the loneliness I tried to push away as even being next to him made me feel like we were miles apart. Cyrus saunters in and wastes no time in hugging me, while I try my best to keep myself upbeat since the fifteen hour flight has seemed to catch up to me.

Later that night, I sit up going over files that seemed to be written in a different language to me. I thought fashion was a universal language with only one meaning, but clearly I'm struggling with this. Letting out a sigh of frustration, I lay back against the headboard. Closing my eyes, I like to drift off into my own paradise that is filled with every Breakfast at Tiffany's imagery to be imagined. Hearing a chiming sound come from my computer, I reach over to grab it to see that Gossip Girl has updated her page. The tracker shows that Humphrey is in California. What would he be doing in California? I shouldn't concern myself with worry over Humphrey because he's made it clear that he's upset with me. Maybe time has helped things? Maybe he's understood why I did what I did? I ask myself for what might be the millionth time in the span of three months.

Humphrey has managed to fall off the face of the planet. The only update I've seen on his status is a picture of him with his ex-Olivia. Tabloids have her engaged to some hockey player, so I doubt they're sparking up anything romantic. That's if I thought about it. His hair was as unruly as ever. I could only imagine how far away a brush or comb is from him. I must've looked at that pictures a millions times to the point where I saved it on my computer, you know to make sure that my computer was saving the other pictures I was uploading.

The day ends like it's begun. Alone.

* * *

**August 13, 2012**

The annual White Party is coming up. Feels weird to get an invitation when I'm no longer friends with Serena and now that Cici is dead. My mother tries to convince me to go, but I just don't see how I can. The very fact that I could run into Serena makes me a bit unwilling to entertain the thought even more. Chuck tries to encourage the idea as a means to look in on Bart. Me spying on Bart Bass, that doesn't sound like anything I would be interested in and the fact that Chuck suggests that only upsets me. Chuck and I go back and forth on the subject, but we ultimately agree to give each other space for the week. It's best that we give each other this space because I'm beginning to see that Chuck is reaching a dead end in the search of uncovering Bart's secrets.

Gossip Girl updates the page again, and I don't want to look but I find myself looking anyways. The tracker conveniently manages to go to Daniel Humphrey, which I'm sure is by accident with a bit of assistance by me. Still in California. San Jose to be exact. It's been a week in California, must be a writing gig out there that's he working on. He's probably found a diner, where he can spend most of his days writing while sipping on an unlimited amount of coffee. Once he got in his headspace, there was no pulling Humphrey out. I find myself hoping that he's okay in San Jose. Sounds dumb, but I can't help but worry in this moment.

A part of me begins to think about what Rome would've been like. I've entertained the thought before of eating the food, seeing the amazing sights they have to offer, among other things that Rome has at it's disposal. I shake the notions out of my head as they all seem like wishful fulfillment because at the end of the day, the decision was made. Whether it was my honest choice, it was a decision I went along with. I don't want to go over the past because it makes the present even more lonely.

Tonight, I decide to watch something out of my usual movie comfort zone. Monty Python and the Holy Grail. I need a laugh. I need something.

* * *

**August 20, 2012**

There have been rumblings through out the Upper Eastside of a scandalous tell all book coming out. I don't give it much merit because there's always something about the Upper Eastside coming out from those that think they know all the players in this part of New York. My mother seems to be interested in finding out, who gets raked over the coals, but I find it amusing because she usually doesn't entertain stuff like that. I can tell her down time is becoming spent with useless tabloids as she's in and out of the penthouse. I have half the nerve to just literally ask for the title of the house to switched over to me so that I can say I own something outright. I think of doing that for my own personal reasons, but I find winning the board over is becoming more tiresome than I had anticipated.

Chuck stops by and he arranges for us to have dinner. Chuck's putting on the charm, which I do enjoy a bit but in the back of my mind I know something is up. I try to ask him for his advice on the board of execs, but he simply rubs my ego and tells me I'll find a way or telling me what to do would diminish the idea that I earned it. I find that to be stupid because I did earn it, I earned every bit of right to…yeah, I eventually get the point that I haven't earned anything. I'm just running around pretending I'm powerful. Ultimately, I hate that he's put such thoughts in my head, but Chuck has always been one to divulge truths, even the harsh ones.

We have sex, which is what we're best at, but it feels like even that isn't as satisfying as it once was. The thrill of not being together, us against the world, the epic passion we have for each other. That all seems to be gone because we have each other, the world stopped caring us being together or not, the passion has turned towards other things in our lives. He sleeps while I stare out the window, wondering…what is Rome like in July?

Sleep comes hard to do , when nothing but thoughts run through my mind. Chuck sleeps peacefully as he can't even tell I'm not beside him anymore. I sit in front of the computer screen on the Gossip Girl to see that he's no longer in California. He's nowhere. I rub my eyes a bit more to see if I'm dreaming, but it's true. He's no longer on the grid. I refresh the page to see if something new will pop up. Nothing. I close the internet down, then log on again. Nothing. In this moment, I wish that I was better with computers because it has to be a computer problem for him not to even register on the screen.

I don't know why, but I worry more. I sit downstairs in the dining area with a cup of tea as I just worry. I worry about losing my mother's company. I worry about not earning my position of power. I worry about what people think of me. I worry…I worry about him. I just worry and I hate it. Feeling like I'm being overwhelmed with worry, I get up from the table and immediately grab my coat from the closet.

The cab driver probably thinks I'm crazy as I just sit in the car for twenty minutes now. The driver asks if I have any other stop to make or if I plan to get out, but I tell him that he'll get paid either way so let me be weird. I look up at the room to find that the light is still out. It's been almost three months and still the light is out. I feel a sense of calmness sitting here as if being near the place I once received my strength. It goes to forty five minutes on the meter, that's when I realize that I have to go. I don't want to, but I have to.

The worrying stops for now, but I fear it will only continue.

* * *

**August 27, 2012**

The rumblings continue. What started out as just minimal talks, have now gone into rampant whispers within the Hamptons. I originally have no plans to go to the Hamptons, but mother persuades me into going. The past couple of days, I've watched my clout as CEO of Waldorf dwindle by the minute. Whispers around the office pick up and I find the key phrases "She'll only go as far as her money takes her" or "Being a leader means you work up the ladder, not inherit it" as my two faves. Note the sarcasm. I tell Chuck about them, but he doesn't think much of it because it has nothing to do with our overall goal, taking down Bart Bass.

I find drinking to be comforting. I know, drinking never goes well for me, but I need it. Most of the board is here, and their nasty comments even manage to travel with them. It's like they packed it away especially for me. So in order to deal with them, I drink. I drink everything. I drink anything. I just drink as I walk the streets. Chuck sends a car for me, but I pay the driver to park the car and call Chuck to tell him I'm shopping like crazy. The last thing I need is to talk to Chuck right now. I will eventually, but not now. Not with how pathetic I feel in this moment.

Stopping off at the local malt shop. I get a double scoop of gelato just for the hell of it. I've become obsessed with dieting, but not as bad as I once was with my bulimia. No, this gelato will serve as my comfort in this moment along with this winding path that I've decided to take. The lighted path attracts me along with the waterfall in the center of the garden area. I almost forget how beautiful the Hampton's are at times, but I love to be pleasantly reminded.

Sitting on a bench, I lick my gelato cone in a serious pout mode. I'm feeling like a total fat ass with how much more food I want. I wrestle with the idea of not letting my hunger pains get to me. For the most part, I'm winning but I managed to get knocked out in the final round. Just as I get up from my seat I hear the late night run of the Jitney from across the way. I don't think much of it, but a familiar voice has me stuck.

My heart seemingly begins to break even more than what it all ready has. I see her roll her luggage away from the bus stop, but it's her turning back to what appears to be someone that she's arrived with. It's not surprising because let's face it, it's Serena van der Woodsen. It's the emergence of Humphrey that has it all feel like I'm being sucked into some sort of vortex. Tears well up in my eyes as seeing them together only makes sense. I don't care, I don't want to care. I shouldn't care. I tell myself this for the past few seconds that I have to myself before our eyes meet.

It's been three months since I've seen those eyes. It's been everything but a nightmare to see him looking back at me. Our stare doesn't last long as he once again turns to Serena and they drag their luggage on. I watch them leave along with every ounce of what I thought I knew.


	2. September 2012

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Two- **

**September 2012**

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**September 1, 2012**

His image burns heavily in my thoughts. No opportunity arose for us to meet again as the White Party had turned into the dud of the century. Scandal of fraud and affairs underneath the hostess nose caused that party to be cancelled. Through word of mouth I had learned that Serena had left and headed back. Where she was headed towards was unsure to me because if it was New York than surely they would've said so. Lilly won't say much as it appears the topic of Serena is one that she chooses to avoid all together. I make minimal attempts to find out where Humphrey may have disappeared to, but some say he stayed local. Since when does Humphrey like the Hamptons? I ask myself as I recall all the stories of Serena having to drag him to the Hampton's either intentionally or through his own sixth sense that her world might be off kilter, but still and even now, Serena is the only reason why Dan Humphrey comes to the Hampton's.

I don't have time to access the drama that is sure to come as my hands become tied up at work. I feel even more overwhelmed with my best employee switching over to our rival company due to the fact that I have no leadership qualities. I want to scheme and get my revenge, but what would I be getting my revenge on. I can't even get back at someone that apparently can see through this cloak of pretending. Mother asks if I want to step down or take a lesser position, which I was prepared to give a no to, but she's all ready beat me to the punch by adding a co-adviser. Surely that was the kick in the butt I needed, knowing that my own mother doesn't think I'm capable of running her company. Again, note the sarcasm. I just want to escape. I want to get away from all things.

In a matter of hours, I find myself in Nantucket. Odd, but Dorota suggested it. Daddy has the house still, and I always did love the movie collection I had acquired over my many lonesome nights of having to stay behind while my mother hosted dinner parties. The driver assists me with my bags and I quickly get adjusted to the set up that Daddy has waiting for me.

Grabbing my favorite book that I've put off long enough, I head down to the local café. I remember the café as it was my favorite place that Daddy used to take me to. The owner is still the same and still remembers me, which is comforting because I can use someone that knew me back then as opposed to the person I've become now. Getting my cup, I sit off in the corner and make quick work of reading the first two chapters. A good book does seem to have that effect on me. I get lost in the pages as the story seems to speak to me. A girl who's dreams get dashed one by one, she's on a journey to find something that she's always wanted, to be happy. How she goes about is crazy, but it's the journey of life that I like to believe she'll look back on and appreciate the final place she decides to stand. I want her to get her happiness. I need for her to.

It's well into the night, when I begin to realize that the happy ending I searched for with this character never came. I want nothing more than to leave. I need to keep moving. Getting up from my seat, I see him walk in.

My eyes must be playing tricks on me. Why is he here of all places? I ask myself as I study his movement. Pulling his lap top out, I begin to realize that it's his usual working habit that has led him to this café. Glancing over in my direction, I wish I could say that he could get past that I was near, but that'd be a lie. Tucking his lap top away in his bag, Humphrey moves quicker than I've ever seen him as he leaves. I let him flee, but then I remember that I need to ask him something. I chase after him, hoping that he'll come to a stop.

"Humphrey, you owe me that much!" I yell before he turns around suddenly to my surprise as he seems even more upset than what he previously was

"Excuse me?" Dan questions as I work up the nerve to continue talking while I observe the fact that his hair is short and he seems more toned than what he originally was when I saw him last.

"We haven't talked in three months. You ignore my phone calls, my e-mails….you owe me" I tell him as I slowly grow confident in what I'm saying

"No, I don't owe you anything" Dan laughs in disbelief before he turns to leave but I manage to grab on to his arm to prevent him from going too far.

"You can't keep ignoring me. I know that I deserve it, but you can't keep doing this-I won't let you" I tell him as tears well up in my eyes "So whatever it is, let's just talk it out. Talk about it, and we can move on" I say as my plan seems better in my head than in reality

"Do you hear yourself? I mean do you literally hear what you're telling me? We're not going to just talk this through, this isn't that type of situation. You left me. I asked you for the truth, and you didn't have the decency to tell me to my face! So I don't owe you anything" Dan replied as moments of silence come between us "We can't talk this through because at this point…I don't ever want to talk to you" he says giving the final blow before he eventually walks off to leave me standing there.

I watch him leave. That becomes the theme of my life thus far. Watching him leave. In every bit, breathing becomes hard to do. Wiping away the single tear that comes. I see that the conversation that I thought we'd have has gone horribly wrong.

* * *

**September 7, 2012**

Waking up, I see that I'm surrounded with roses. Slowly sitting up in the bed, I begin to wonder why the hell Dorota put this much roses in my room but then it dawns on me that Dorota is not that stealthy. Looking at Chuck at the foot of the bed with a single rose in hand, I don't know whether to be happy or laugh because this all looks incredibly cheesy. Chuck gives me the right words, but they lack a certain sincerity that I need in order to really believe them. Still the gesture is nice. He eventually lowers the boom on me when he says that he's going off to Bolivia for two weeks with Jack. Apparently Jack needs consoling, and I begin to wonder what doesn't Jack need. Chuck can't seem to see what's going on within our own relationship that's not quite a relationship, and for the first time, I don't care to explain it to him. I simply take his visit as a required task that needs to be completed to move on to the next.

It's when we sit around the table at some five star restaurant that I don't care to know the name of because he usually just picks the restaurants with menu prices that look like you can buy a house with it, I begin to hear the final confirmation that there is a tell all book about to be released. A part of me begins to panic because I hate being hit with something so unexpected with what I first perceived as minimal impact. I tell Chuck that I'm aware of the rumor of the book, which is enough to upset him. He goes on this rant about this being exactly what his father scolded him about. How he is not on top of his game to run a company. It all became blended words after that to where I found myself tuning out. It was yet another argument with the common theme being about Chuck. I ultimately tell Chuck that I have my own problems to worry about as well because if this book comes after my family, then me running the company will be shot to hell.

I put Penelope on the case to figure out what, when, how, where, and who is in this so called tell all book. Progress is slow at first, which seems to be trademark, but I expect nothing but top notch information from her. Chuck informs me that he's going to have his people look into as well, which makes it seem like it's a race to find out who's people can uncover the truth quick enough. I want to believe that it's all harmless, but I know him well enough to know that it's just a game. It's always a game.

By the time I leave my rollercoaster of a brunch, I hear no word back from Penelope. It's starting to make me concerned, and only one thing can solve this. Retail therapy can solve this. Lots of retail therapy. I tell Dorota to meet me on Madison Avenue so I can hit up every shop possible for Winter wear and maybe even Spring, if I'm that desperate.

Coming out of Marc Jacobs, Dorota struggles with the ten to twenty bags worth of clothing. I'm in a serious rut as everything just seems to be pouring heavily on me. I have half the mind to call Humphrey as I go through my e-mails from work, but then I realize that he never wants to talk to me. His exact words that seem to echo in my head. Just as I turn the corner, I seem to bump into the one person that Humphrey will always be attached to.

The conversation is extremely awkward, but gut wrenching at the same time. I know that's hard to explain, but that's just how it feels. Serena tells me that she went away to rehab for a bit because she went on a little bender. I find myself a bit concerned, but I can't let her see it. She tells me that she's gotten a job at a rec center, and actually likes working with the teenage girls that she comes across. Who would have ever thought that Serena would be one to embrace the kids, girls no less. I tell her that I'm happy for her, but things will remain the same for us. I can't allow her back in my life because I'm not ready to. Serena wonders if this is about Humphrey, but I tell her that it's not about Humphrey this time, it's just about us. I can't say that we're friends or we ever were, because while we were friends, I became best friends with someone else. We both question how that's possible, but we ultimately see that our friendship hasn't been what we thought it was, it was worse than ever.

My conversation with Serena continues to linger with me, but not as much as it first did. It's a natural progression. Getting out of the bed, I grab my lap top and struggle to go over the quarterly numbers. I'm supposed to meet my co-advisor and I have to say, I think I'm about get plowed at this meeting tomorrow because I can't grasp any concept of what we're trying to do. Just as I get lost in my pity fest, my cell phone goes off. Grabbing the phone, I see that it's Penelope. I nearly break a leg trying to step away from my computer.

Penelope wastes no time in relaying that the book is going to come out next week. "Outsider" is the name of the book and I begin to think that it's someone trying to copycat off of Humphrey. Penelope tells me that it hit's the core of the group, and automatically I begin to go in to defense mode. It goes after Nate, Chuck, Serena, Jenny, Lilly, and me. Hearing the list of people, I then realize that of that group seems to be missing one member that was once vital at a time. It is in that moment that I begin to let it register. That Williamsburg Weasel wrote a freakin' tell all book.

At this point, I have no time to play into my emotions. I have declared war on Daniel Humphrey.

* * *

**September 15, 2012**

The media has begun to go crazy over "Outsider", everyone seems to have a copy of this book. I swear that from my window, I can see people reading the book as they walk by. I can't take this anymore. My minions have done little to get me damning information of Humphrey so I can stop this book. I need to stop this book. I've forbidden Dorota to read the book because if she does then she'll have that look like 'I know something that you might want to know because you'll get upset' on her face. The more I see this book, the more I get furious with Humphrey for writing this.

It takes all but two hours later for Chuck to call me, and he doesn't seem as livid like I thought, neither does Nate. What part of a tell all do these guys not understand? I ask myself as I talk with Chuck. He informs me that nothing Humphrey says has any weight against him because it's something he's always known, he'll simply double his therapy sessions and move on to his next project that is himself. Who says that? I question as a part of me wants to scream. Humphrey shouldn't be using us as his lab rats, we're actual humans and we don't want our lives spilled in print. I feel tempted to order a book, but I can't allow myself to give in to my enemy. No, I urge the minions to find me something on Humphrey or else I start revealing some of their secrets.

I feel the looks as I enter the board room. I mean I'm literally sitting there in the board room, and a part of me begins to shrink in my seat. Everyone talks with these big words that are made to intimidate me, and for the most part, they do. I understand these words, but around them, I shrink. I become this little girl that fears the adults because they're so tall and towering over me. Leanne, my co-advisor, she seems to win them over as she's a no prisoners kind of woman. She's smart, she's got a kid, and she's a shark. She's everything that they want, and they immediately accept her. Dispersing from the boardroom, I sit alone as just have this realization that I single handedly may have lost my mother's company to Leanne.

Going on yet another round of retail therapy, Dorota struggles with the now thirty bags I have. I'm buying anything that I think will look good because I don't want to be picky anymore. Storming down the sidewalks with my clutch hanging from my arm, I begin to drift off into some zone that enables me to just focus on shopping and only shopping. I'm venting, and pouting like crazy. I want a vente latte as I see no end in sight. I'm almost sure that my wardrobe will be impeccable by the time I'm done. Before I can even manage to go into Chanel, I get the text that I've been waiting for along with a Gossip Girl update. By passing Penelope's news, I go straight to Gossip Girl to see the damning evidence against Humphrey, but the sad part is…it's effecting me.

I try to pretend like I didn't see it, but I did. I try to act like it's nothing I haven't gone through before, but I have. I try to go through my normal bedtime routine, but I can't. I grab my coat and make a swift exit from the penthouse. The same driver from a couple of weeks ago picks me up, and he instinctively knows where to take me to because we've been going there almost every other night.

Pulling up in front of the building, I'm running on fumes so no thought process is needed for me to just hop out of the car. Storming up the stairs, I can hear the clicking of my Jimmy Choos as I reach the top step and begin banging on the door. I didn't even bother to check if the light was on, I just figured that it was all suppose to lead to this point. Opening the door, Humphrey doesn't look surprised or even guilt ridden like I expected him to be. I don't know why I expect much from anyone, they clearly disappoint me.

"You want to hurt me, job well done" I tell him as my eyes water while all he can do is just stand in the door way unsure of how he should even act with me "I was in war with you. I went to great lengths to try to find something, something that would stop this book. I never thought I'd find this of all things" I say

"We weren't together" Dan simply tells me "I did something horrible to us, by sleeping with Serena, but we weren't together because minutes before I even thought of touching Serena, I was thinking about you" he tells me "I was thinking that we could be something, and we could get away from New York to try to be something…anything, everything we ever wanted. But in that moment, you were declaring your love to Chuck Bass. So yeah, I messed up and am an ass for what I did, but at the end of the day, I'm not that guy and I don't want to be that guy" he says

"I'd like to believe that, but there's a video. You made a damn video of it!" I told him as I held my phone up "I mean you can't say you don't want to be that guy because a guy that doesn't want to hurt me wouldn't have recorded it" I tell him "I mean you picked Serena of all people, in that place…God! You got played Humphrey. How can you not see that?" I say becoming frustrated by the minute

"By who?" Dan instantly questions "I mean Serena did what she did, but she still loved me. You….what was your game? That's the part I have trouble understanding" he replies

"Oh, don't put this on me. You have no right to be mad at me. You screwing my best friend takes you out of the high and mighty pedestal" I tell him

"Okay, this is pointless. I'm sorry, that's what you came to hear, so there it is. I'm sorry that I slept with Serena and it just happened to get recorded. I'm sorry Blair Waldorf or is it Blair Bass now?" Dan asks I just stand, clenching my fists tight as the moment grew more intense by the minute "Go home" he tells me once more as this time it finally sticks. Closing the door on me, I stand this time on the opposite side.

* * *

**September 20, 2012**

You ever have that moment in life, where everything seems to be crashing down around you and there is absolutely nothing you can do to stop it? It's like you know you can't breath or find the right path to save your life, but you keep walking in hope that someone will see that your lost. You keep telling yourself that you're strong, that you're beautiful, that you're independent, that you're the next Oprah if you want to go to that extreme. You ever have that day or moment on a Monday? I know it's strange but imagine what it feels like at a Thursday.

What I thought was supposed to be a meeting with my mother on strategy and tutoring me, it in turns to me being demoted. I get that's not the worst that can happen to me, but I got the first punch on Monday, the uppercut on Tuesday, the punch to the chest on Wednesday, then the blow to the face on Thursday. I'm dreading Friday because at this point, I'm knocked out and I can't for the life of me figure out how to get up. I'm demoted.

I understand my mother's concern because I too am concerned, but she's my mother. Holding my hand as if he's trying to be knight, Chuck sits there beside me and I instantly feel like it's all one big joke. I'm the joke at this table, and I want to laugh but I can't stop from wanting to cry. My eyes are burning so badly and all I can manage to do is sit there and nod. Agree with the move because it's best for the company, but of course they soften the blow by saying that I will get another chance soon.

I feel like I can't breath and the closer I am to him, I feel like I'm suffocating. I feel like his love is tearing me down piece by piece because it's like the girl he knows I am is returning back to true form. Holding his hand, I look on at the faces that we pass on our way out, and I feel like they're not looking at me. They're not looking at someone who deserves to walk side by side with The Chuck Bass. They're not seeing me because if they were then they'd be calling an emergency room to get me immediate help because I'm drowning.

He kisses me, and it feels as cold as ever. Are these the lips that will kiss me in time of uncertainty? I question because nothing about his presence is calming me from this ensuing panic attack. Getting out the car, I walk gracefully towards the entrance where I'm greeted by the staff. Wearing my smile and my pearls that's he's given to me for the sake of this meeting. I immediately enter the elevator. Wait for the doors close. Rip the pearls from my neck. Cry uncontrollably as I fall to my knees. These walls don't seem as far away because they close in on me. Looking up, I see I've reached the penthouse floor. Once again, I rise to my feet. Put my smile back on. Come up with a brilliant excuse as to why pearls are everywhere.

I demand to be left alone. I don't want anyone in my room because tonight….I just want to cry. Closing the curtains. I sit in my bed with my feet to my chest as I just sob. My pajamas are soaking because the tears come down like a flood. I'm almost tempted to put some emo song on so I could drown out the sounds of my tears.

You ever cry so much that it rips away every ounce of energy? You ever cry to where you've reached the maximum level of tears? I can't begin to blame or come up with a scheme because I realize the only person I'd be scheming against is myself. I'm not that girl. I've never been that girl, and tonight is a painful reminder of that.

Sitting at my desk, I pull out his book and set it on my desk. I must've stared at the cover a million times. I bought in good faith that maybe I was just hyping up what he might've said, in hopes that he still saw me the same way as he did once before. I bought this book to support him, but I bought it selfishly to get knowledge on what he says about me. I stare at this covers for an hour every night to realize I don't want to know what he thinks of me. I don't want to know anymore .

Tonight. I care. I need to care for the first time. Humphrey may be malicious with truth, but they're truth and not just meaningless words that are written to hurt. However it may turn out, I need something on this path. I need that green light to be this girl or that warning sign to pull over for directions.

Page by page. Word for word. Paragraph after paragraph. I read his ever thought of what he thinks of each and everyone of us. I re-read Chapter four. That's my chapter. That's what he see's of me.

**_"She's a girl that can make you hate her tenacity and bitchy spirit for all things scandal. Then she's a girl that can make you love her vulnerability and ability to make you want that happy ending for her. I just don't know what girl she is or who I root for in her movie that is her life. She wants love, but can't identify it if it would hit her in the face. She loves out of obligation because she's afraid that she might actually be alone in this life. She wants respect, but doesn't even respect herself enough to demand it from the very person thats supposed to love her with every breath he has in him. She creates the fantasy of this grand romance, but fails to realize that love is the fantasy that most people don't get to obtain in life, but yet she keeps going for her nightmare. I begin to think she likes her nightmare because again, she thinks she deserves that. She's a diamond to some, but gets treated like she's a cubic zirconia. How do you fight for someone, that doesn't even fight for themselves? How do you root for the character that brings on the hell because of her own actions? How do you view the prince as a villain, when she's the one that tainted his will to love her to life and out of her own darkness? How do you believe the words she says, when in the end she turns them in to lies? How do you tell her he's wrong for her, when she knows it herself and still goes to him? How do you wish for her to find love, when clearly she needs to find self love if anything? How do you not look at her decision as anything but a tragedy? The fairytales failed her because they never showed the real reason why Cinderella and Snow White got their happily ever after, it's because they waited for Prince Charming to save them. In reality, there isn't always a Prince Charming, and so sooner or later she'll have to save herself. Love isn't measured by how many tears you shed over that person. Love isn't always about you two against the world. Love isn't about pain. Love isn't about sexual gratification. Love isn't about words. Love isn't supposed to devastate you. Love isn't about feeling weak. Love isn't about understanding someone's darkness. Love isn't a game for sport with high risk involved. Love isn't about scorching everything and anything in your path to be together. She can have everything and then some, but first, she needs to get out of her own way" - _**

**_"Outsider" Daniel Humphrey. Chapter Four_**

I re-read it again. I get angry. I get mad. I get sad. I cry. I plot and scheme for my retaliation. I go through every emotion there is to go through, and still I begin to realize that I'm my own problem.

* * *

**September 29, 2012**

I grant him his wish. I give him the space he's wanted since he came back in to town. I was tempted to call him and use every curse word I could think of, but no good would come of that. I don't let on to Chuck that I feel weak, because then I'd only let my wounds show to his predator like tactics. No, I fake being okay because…I don't even know why anymore. Chuck's getting closer to getting the information he needs on Bart as it appears he's had some dealings with the Columbians. The more I hear about Bart, the more I swear like the Bass family lives for the action movie plots, without any real action but the ability to brood on command.

Attending the Harper's Gala is one of the most prestigious things to be invited to, of course I didn't receive my invitation but I go as Chuck's plus one. I have to admit that it only felt like the knife was being turned even more as it's a constant reminder that I stand behind Chuck, literally and figuratively. He attempts to make me feel better by mentioning that no one knows about the demotion. I should feel glad that no one knows except the board and Leann, but even that leaves me at a high risk to be discovered as a puppet CEO as I've come to be called around the office.

I spot Serena sitting with Lilly, which is surprising because Lilly would say little to nothing about her daughter in the Hamptons, so I'm surprised she's welcomed her at one of the most prestigious events on the social calendar. Serena and I make eye contact, but it's enough to get the point across that we won't be talking. It pains me because I feel like with each betrayal we do to each other, the chance of saving the friendship we once upon a time had is being diminished with each day that passes.

Getting up to go to the bathroom, I have to say that I'm happy to have a break from all the speakers. Coming out of the stall, I begin to powder my face as I want to keep up some appearances for the company. Primping my hair to my liking. Fixing my lipstick. Checking my teeth for anything in between. I don't even realize that Nelly Yuki is standing beside me.

Once my minion, I have to say that I'm impressed with how well she cleans up. Apparently she's gone on to marry into a fortune five hundred, but has established her own fortune five hundred with her research in medical miracles. She's every bit of the genius I remember her as, but I'd never tell her that because of the simple fact that it's a given, so what good is it with me saying it. We make small talk, where I pride myself on being somewhat superior in the fashion sense, which has always been my strong suit in what set us apart in high school. I hate to take it back to high school.

I try to end our conversation because I'm sure Chuck is growing more annoyed that I'm in the restroom instead of at the table for the social event of the year. He's mapped it out in his head that this is the event that will solidify me outside of my mother's company, but I fail to realize how I will be solidified with me being on his arm and walking a step behind him. I make my final plea to end the conversation, and I'm almost out the door before Nelly Yuki sends her apologies. I freeze in that moment because I can honestly say in that first few seconds, I know nothing as to what she refers to, and that I realize is the biggest problem of all.

"I'm sorry about your baby" Nelly says as I just look at her "I just…I just wanted to say that because that just seemed to stick with me. We may have had been whatever in high school, but I prayed for you" she goes on to tell me as I just feel like my body goes lifeless as this is the first time I've had to go back to remember that I did in fact lose a child.

"Thank you" I smile weakly as we share awkward smiles before she eventually leaves me alone in the restroom.

I stood there. Lifeless than ever before as it takes someone saying their apologies for me to realize that I was once a mother. I look towards the mirror and I wish I could say that I saw myself looking back, but I don't see that. I see nothing.

Immediately rushing out of the Gala, I can hear the whispers begin to stir as I make no effort to be discreet about my need to leave. Rushing out with my hand out to hail a taxi, I half expect him to be sitting in the same get away car, ready to whisk me away to safety, but like he said, there's no Prince Charming in my reality. My breathing becomes heavy, as I begin to have a panic attack all over again. Fanning myself feverishly as I pace the sidewalk of the side alley way, Chuck immediately bursts out. He looks at me as if I've lost my damn mind, but I just can't stop the emotions that come over me. Crying. Damn near sobbing like I did once before.

"Blair, what the hell was that?" Chuck questions

"I lost the baby. I lost my baby" I cried

"What are you talking about?" Chuck asks and I can honestly say that that made it even worse was that he didn't even realize it.

"The accident. I lost my baby, and I don't even think I really realized until now" I told him through the tears

"So you go to the restroom and realize you lost a child? Are you feeling okay?" Chuck asks "I mean is there something else going on that I should know about?" he asks as if I'm speaking in code

"I was a mother Chuck!" I say in hopes that he would stop looking at me like I was a damn freak "I never grieved or mourned. I just kept moving like it was nothing. I don't even think I had a name picked out, I mean Louis did, but I never once cared to pick a name" I cry hysterically

"Okay, we should take you to a doctor because this isn't like you" Chuck tells me as he attempts to assist me but I find the strength to push him away from me

"The fact that you don't understand what I'm saying or even care to…that scares me most about us" I tell him sternly

"What do you want me to say! You keep putting me in these impossible situations" Chuck replies "I say sorry and it's like I'm the blame for your daughters death. I say we'll fix this but I can't begin to fix what you yourself just realized all but now. What do you want me to say?" he asks as I begin to realize one thing that he's said

"Daughter? How do you know I was having a girl?" I ask in disbelief as I see he's sporting that deer in headlights look "Chuck, how do you know?" I ask again

"Because I talked with the doctors. I thought you were lying about the paternity, so I talked with the doctors as Louis. They told me the paternity" Chuck admits as I simply bring my hands up to my face

"And you knew?….why didn't you tell me?" I asked

"Because what good would it have been?" Chuck asked

"It could've made all the difference, but it's my decision to decide what it will mean or not mean" I cried

"Let's just go. Let's go home and…" Chuck begins to say

"I can't do us right now. I just need to go" I tell him as I fend off any attempt he makes on trying to touch me as I hail a taxi down.


	3. October 2012

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Three- **

**October 2012**

* * *

**October 4, 2012**

It's no surprise that after our fight, Chuck leaves for some foreign country. I don't expect that we'll talk much while he's away because we've both said too much and done little fix things between us. I welcome his trip, and wish him safe travels because even though we're miles apart, I still love him, I'm just not sure I'm in love with him.

Working at the office becomes like working in hell, expecting for some good air conditioning to come on. I run out on work. Cut my hours until I finally wane down to the minimal two hours a day. The sad part is that no one even cares that I'm not there. They don't care that I'm not there to at least be a figure head of the very name that I carry. I don't waste time on coming up with excuses because it serves no point, when I don't want to be there in the first place I need to get my mind together and there's only one thing I want to do.

No one seems to notice that I'm fading into some unknown backround. I wish I could say I knew what I was fading towards, but I'm just numb to it all. Cyrus and Mother happen to be away on a business trip, which is disguised as a getaway for them to reconnect. I'm happy for my mother, she's spent enough time trying to deny herself of happiness, that Cyrus literally forces her to accept it. With no one really being home, I find coming down for dinner to be tedious. Dorota tries to encourage me to stick around for dinner as she wants to talk, but I know better. It's her attempt to talk about what she thinks is wrong. I don't want to be analyzed. I just want the one thing that won't judge.

Doesn't take me long to get to my desired location as I'm sure no one is looking for me. The bartenders name is Rick. Rick seems nice and sweet, but then again even the nice and sweet can pack a mean punch. I start out with a White Russian. Then I realize, I don't like White Russian. Then I went on to Vodka Martini. After the Vodka Martini, I wanted to be the equal opportunist and had a Bacardi Cocktail. My experiment with each drink had ultimately led to the oncoming buzz I was sure to induce.

Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Shot. Everybody! I had a moment. A very drunk moment. I'm pounding them back. Rick doesn't seem to want me to drink anymore since I've insulted at least five guys that have attempted to use their cheesy one liners. I at first know it's me talking, but it's the sixth guy that seems to make me at least give him a shot. I let him talk about how he knows me from high school. Oh, God. A high school reunion gone bad or drunk. His name is Frank. That's all ready a strike against him because Frank is not even appealing at any point.

Frank and I starting to really hit it off. I mean he's all ready planning to take me to one of his twelve mansions by the end of the night. I'm excited for that because I don't think I've seen a mansion in New York. Rick tries to stop us from getting ready to leave, but I think Rick is just jealous because he clearly has a thing for Frank. I hope Frank isn't gay. That'd be a bummer. I feel a bit woozy, but luckily I have Frank to catch me. Frank guides me over towards the door before he stops to put me to the side. I don't understand why Frank stopped guiding me. Maybe he went to get his Porsche from around the back.

I feel like throwing up, especially since I find myself being dragged by the arm. I try to protest, but his grip is too strong. I don't want to be with him. I want to know what happened to Frank. I call out for Frank and nothing. He tells me to be quiet, but I have no idea as to why. I didn't call him. I don't even want to be around him. His grip is soo strong. Pulling me into some worn down building. I begin to think I'm in trouble at this point. My legs give out, which is something that upsets him. I can barely stay awake, when he finally gets the idea to carry me. I want to call for help because I'm not sure if this is him. I should call for help because now he's taking me into his dungeon. I try to escape but I can't escape.

I've puked up everything that is in my system it feels like. My head is pounding. I'm sweating. My mouth feels dry and a bit parched. I look around the bathroom to see that it is a bit familiar to me now. I sit up against the wall, and begin to think about why I end up here of all places. I begin to think that it's all one big cruel joke because this is the last place I should be. He comes bearing a cup of tea because he know I prefer tea over coffee. His hair is a mess. He has bags under his eyes. He looks as if he's been up all night as well. Handing me the coffee, he turns to leave before I feel as if I need to ask him something in my hungover state.

"Why are you doing this?" I cried "Why are you torturing me?" I ask him

"I'm not trying to torture you. Having you here doesn't torture you, it tortures me" Dan replies

"Then you should've left me. I don't need you being nice to me because you pity me" I angrily tell him

"I'd like to have done that, but you see this guy, a guy that you were planning to go home with, I didn't really trust him. So I chose to keep you alive" Dan replied

"You don't trust Chuck, but yet you have no problem ignoring me there. You should try implementing that to that situation" I tell him

"Drink up. The sooner you sober up, the sooner you can leave" Dan says before he quickly turns to leave. I almost accept him leaving again, but then I conclude that I'm tired of watching him leave. Getting up, I almost lose my equilibrium but I find my anger to be balanced enough to hold me up just enough to head into his bedroom. Dan goes to lay down in his bed, but he groans once he see's that I have entered the room.

"I should be upset. I should be the one furious because you cheated!" I yelled

"As did you, so what's your point" Dan replies as he sits up in his bed "I had sex with Serena, and now that I think about it….I'm not that sorry after all. In that exact moment you were screwing me over, so clearly loyalty only goes towards Chuck Bass" he tells me before I grab the vase of flowers that he has on the shelf beside me. They're flowers sent over from the publishing house. He's raking in fortunes off of "Outsider" so they're treating him like royalty now that he's screwed over anyone in the Upper Eastside. Picking up the vase, I throw it at him. Luckily he can duck or else this could've been bad. "All right, get out! I mean it, get out of my house" he says as he quickly hops out of the bed

"Gladly!" I reply as I turn to storm out of his bedroom as he follows behind

"Have you lost your mind? I mean you could have injured me back there!" Dan yells as I try to keep my balance long enough to grab my purse

"I really couldn't care at this point" I tell him as I continue to gather myself

"Seriously!" Dan asks as I continue to gather my things together before he finally grabs on to my arm. Turning me around, I groan in frustration as I just want him to leave me alone

"Stop!" I yell "I just want to be left alone. I don't want you to help me because you're like the rest of them" I tell him as tears well up in his eyes

"I'm not like the rest of them!" Dan yells "Don't use me to make yourself feel good about the mess you've created. You did this! So don't make me out to be the villain, when I'm just reacting to what you've done. You ever wonder why Louis turned into the ass, it's because you pushed him to it. Granted he was just your childhood fairytale, that's all you saw him as. That's all of you, you walk all over people and treat them however and I'm supposed to consider your feelings! No, this is your fault!" he scolds me

"You are!" I exclaim "You may not be in that way, but you are. You think less of me just like everyone else. All you see is him when you look at me…" I tell him

"Because that's who you choose. If Chuck is the best that you can do, even after everything you've done to each other…then clearly you think less of yourself" Dan says

"No, because that's all you want to see. You ripped me in your book, and all you did was punish me for loving him. I love him, I'm sorry that I do, but I love him. Why am I the villain, when I'm the victim of my own feelings?" I questions as I just cry

"You're the villain because of those you hurt along the way. Everyone is entitled to their feelings, but what makes an honorable person is to be upfront about those feelings, regardless if it's what the person wants to hear or not, they deserve to know where you stand" Dan says. Taking a seat on the sofa that seems to be the very sofa I have every moment of truth on, I burry my face in my hands I just let out the last bit of tears I have left in me. Dan doesn't say much, but I don't expect him to since this is the most he's talked to me all summer long.

"I knew you hated me, but I just never thought you'd think that low of me" I said as I looked up at him

"We've always been honest with each other, I just didn't want to be the one that stopped" Dan said

"I'd like to believe hatred was behind those words, but after I read it a few hundred times…they had truth. That's all I've been. I've always been his and in my mind I allowed myself to think that I always will be" I say stifling back tears "I love him" I say again to the point where I'm sure he's sick of hearing it

"I'm aware of that" Dan says

"But what does that say about me?" I question as a silence comes between us "This love, my love for him has cost me so much that I'm not even sure what I gained. I don't feel strong. I don't feel happy. I don't feel anything" I said "I didn't even remember the fact that once upon a time, I was a mother" I tell him. I look at him to get this look like he's surprised I even remembered that. Laughing to myself in a bit of sadness, I do the best I can to stop crying because at this point, tears aren't making me feel any better. "It took Nelly Yuki say she was sorry for my loss for me even remember that I was pregnant. I mean who forgets something like that? who moves on so casually like it never happened without it having no repercussions?...the more I think about it, the more I recall everything Louis did, I understand why he turned so dark. You helped me understand that, I made him that way not with just my obsession of this epic love with Chuck but because I killed the one thing that could love him back the way I should've loved him. Do you know she was a girl? I was going to have a girl" I tell him

"Why are you telling me this?' Dan asks as he has to remind himself that he has to be cold to me, but I can see that his humanity won't allow him to. He's better than I'd ever be, but he feels for me.

"Because even though we're not on the best of terms, you're still the one person I trust" I tell him

"I wish I could say that I trust you, but I don't" Dan replies "The one thing that I always knew is that I knew what I was getting with you. There was the minimal of good and then there was the bad. I was fortunate to see the good, however short lived it was, but the bad…I don't even know you, but I guess my real question is…do you even know you?" he asks.

* * *

**October 12, 2012**

I find myself going through Daddy's stuff. How I missed that my father was gay, that's beyond me. I see a Elton John record that's in a glass case, which isn't that much of a give away if I truly think about it. Cyrus is looking to add some more of his stuff into the house, which is something I don't particularly want, but my mother wants to oblige him. I love Cyrus. I'm sure of that, but I'm not sure I want him moving my father out quite yet. It's an old issue, but still I think a peice of me likes to know my father is still around in the smallest of ways.

Pushing the box aside after my Elton John retrieval, I become less hopeful that I will be able to make it through the rest of these boxes in calls and we share a hopeful conversation that makes me think we'll be able to move past the Gala. It works because he doesn't want to talk about why I was upset and I don't want to talk about it with him. So everything works fine with us. I plan to meet him at the Empire at five for dinner, which allows me three hours from now to get ready. I can tell by his voice that he wants to start fresh and fix things. I want that as well, but I can't quite say what I want most in my life. Our conversation doesn't long enough to cover anything else as he mentions that his driver will come to pick me isn't around the apartment, which makes it a little more weird.

I haven't talked to Nate in quite some time, so I guess I wanted to catch up with him. Chuck emerges with two glasses of champagne and I can instantly feel like the alcohol will make things better. We sip on our champagne and rarely talk but discuss anything else but business. Chuck seems excited that his father is begging to make a deal with both Jack and him. I'm somewhat happy or at least I fake it well enough. I can only imagine how twisted things are now that Chuck actually trusts Jack. The Bass men have no sympathy for each other, but yet can come together to scheme against the other. Two against one should always be their tagline for whatever they do.

The stars outside look beautiful as we watch them from the rooftop. I almost begin to feel like I can see fairytale coming to light within the stars. Every scientific fact comes to mind as I just stare at the stars. Chuck does little to hide the fact that he's looking at me. He says romantic phrases, which I'm sure will only lead to naked embrace by night's end. I kind of want to get it over with. Give him his reward for treating me like a diamond of all nights. Chuck surprises me as he pulls out a ring from his pocket.

"What is this?" I ask with much shock"It's my pledge to you" Chuck says as he grabs my hand to slip the Harry Winston on "I've always been connected to you, and our love is magnetic that nothing and no one can come between what we share. My passion for you burns more than ever before. I want to spend every adventure and journey with you. I know we've had our bad, but I want my love to be what makes you strong. I want you to be by my side in all endeavors. So Blair, will you marry me?" he asks as I look at this diamond thats on my hand. Millions of times in my dreams, this would be an automatic yes, but now. It feels different. It feel more like the finale of it all.

"I don't know what to say" I tell him as I look up from the ring to see his hopeless face

"Say yes. Say you'll be mine forever" Chuck tells me and instantly I feel insulted than gushing with romance

"I can't" I utter without any control over my words as they manage to slip out

"What?" Chuck asks in disbelief

"I can't marry you" I tell him as he seems even more shocked the second time around that I say it "I love you, but...why do you want to marry me?" I ask

"Because I'm in love with you. You're the woman for me" Chuck replies without hesitation

"I'm the woman that suits you, as in, I'm the woman that expects nothing of you. What type of woman is that? why would you want that?" I question

"Because we're Chuck and Blair" Chuck tells me as if I'm suppose realize that that is the reason we're supposed to be together

"No, that's not how it's suppose to be. We're suppose to be more than that, I'm supposed to be more than that" I tell him as I shake my head in disbelief with the words we say to each other. Once upon a time, I found these words to be romantic, now I'm ashamed that I allow them to be said.

"I'm not fine! I haven't been for some time, I'm drowning and I'm not in any way marriage material in this moment. Why would you want that for yourself?" I ask him

"Okay, so I'm stupid to believe that this is a natural step for us to take?" Chuck asked "Am I?" he asks forcefully as his anger begins to show

"No, and that's my fault. I should've spoke up. I should've been honest. Chuck, nothing about us is normal" I tell him"I don't want normal" Chuck replies

"I do" I quickly reply "I want my love story to be something to aspire to, not something that has to be explained as to why we feel the way we feel. I want my love story to have the moments, not with an asterisk next to one where I have to say yes it was bad, but he sure did love me" I tell him

"I don't care what people think. Our love, this love that we've always had, it's epic. It's the only thing that makes sense to me" Chuck says as tears well up in my eyes.

"I think we should just accept the elephant in the room. I'm no good for you, and you're no good for me. We're two broken people trying to fix the other with no clue how to fix ourselves" I cry "I will always love you, but I can't do this cycle anymore. I can't love you, be devastated by you or you by me, I can't hurt others, and then keep running back. Our love isn't epic, it's toxic to not just us but those around" I tell him

"I don't feel that way" Chuck says

"Because in our heads, we think we only deserve each other. I'm telling you now, you deserve more than me" I say as I slide the ring off my finger to hand to him "You can be happy, and I won't stand in the way of that, not like I used to" I tell him as I put the ring in his hand

"I want you" Chuck mutters

"But you don't need me" I reply "What I want isn't what I need" I say before I lean in to kiss his cheek, knowing this was our final goodbye. It's as I expected, out of nowhere, but expected. The end of the era has finally happened, where Chuck and Blair have finally become separate entities.

* * *

**October 18, 2012**

I take my leave of absence from the company. I'm sure no one really cares. Mother was hesitant to go along with my decision, but I told her it was something I needed. She's aware of my current state with Chuck, and she wants to give me time. I don't really need time to heal over whatever heartache I have of Chuck because all we've ever dealt with is heartache. I think this time around, I need to heal myself. Chuck remains in the city for a little bit, but eventually goes off another adventure to celebrate his majority share in Bass Industries. Lilly is happy for him. Lilly manages to stay by Bart in all of this, but I know in my heart that she still loves Rufus. I feel for her. I used to be her, but being her wasn't something that I wanted. I want to be Blair Waldorf. That's my biggest journey that I'm about to embark on.

I ask myself random questions. Questions about what color I like or what's my favorite thing to do. I know it's trivial, but these are the basic things that I'm finding aren't the same since high school. I thought I liked turquoise, but turns out I like grey now. All this time I've told myself that I like turquoise but my heart has secretly loved grey. The denial is slowly starting to fade. I begin to delve deeper because I'm gradually making progress. Do I like pie or cake? I've struggled with this question for some time because I love my dad's pie. I ultimately end up staying with pie because it's just what my heart really desires. I keep asking myself the basic questions, realizing that I can't keep asking these questions because as revealing as they are, I need to go beyond that. What do I want out of my life? I ask and I find that answering this question is not as easy as the others. I move on to the next question. Where do I see myself in five years? I think I know the answer but then that's changed since I've left high school. I really need to get to work on this.

I spend my cleaning out my room. I noticed that Daddy had extra boxes in his room, so I acquire Dorota's help and begin to separate off the stuff that was soo high school and the stuff that genuinely is me. I'm hesitant at first to give up certain things, but Dorota reminds me that starting fresh is something that means giving up the old, and accepting the new. In less than thirty minutes, I find that the boxes have turned into five to twenty boxes full of stuff that I've managed to grow out of. I eventually begin to see that I just want a whole new start to my room. Dorota thinks I've gone overboard, but I sincerely mean it when I say that I want a fresh beginning. The room is the key to the soul.

I stand in the middle of my finished product. My walls are bare. My room consists of just my desk and a mattress with a box spring. Mother thinks I've lost my mind, but I smile proudly as this is the first time I've been honest with myself. The Victorian era was the theme of my room, but also played into my mindset of how I perceived my relationship. Women in the Victorian Era lost right to the property they had once they got married, and even after in divorce. The husband assumed control over the wife in every sense. I look back at it now, and begin to question how I even endorsed such a belief. I may have started out by liking the fashion of that age, but I find the era now to be something I have to get away from. May be the Elizabethean Era is more my speed. Queen Elizabeth was one to be reckoned with, but she was strong and ruled with an iron fist, casting love aside as he sole duty to her country was to run it to the best of her abilities. Though I'm not ready to give up on love. It doesn't hurt to put my wants first above everything else.

As I take the boxes out of my room. I can't help but notice a letter sitting on top of one of the boxes. It's a letter from Columbia University. I read through it and realize that I have until the end of the year to enroll in class or I will lose my enrollment in the school all together. Grabbing the paper, I sit in front of my lap top to look up information on my student account to see that I was enrolled in Political Science as my major. Political Science. I find that hard to believe. I mean I know I wanted to be powerful, but Political Science doesn't exactly excite me. Scanning the school website to see that next week a new semester begins.

For an hour, I end up on the phone with the admissions office and manage to straighten out my major along with my class schedule. I have to admit that my scheming ways came back, when I had to use a connection I had to the board of trustees to go over the head of the President of the school so that I can register for my classes. It was a momentary thing, but I had to resort to old ways to get to my new one. I'm officially majoring in Management and Marketing. I go to class Monday through Thursday because I had so much time to make up. I have four classes, which would scare most but I've always excelled in school.

After my eventful day, I decide to relax and take in a movie down at the Sunshine Theater. I end up seeing a Howard Hawk classic, 'Bringing Up Baby'. I get my usual big bucket of popcorn and manage to enjoy the screwball comedy before me. It's hard to believe that it wasn't an instant box office success. I laugh the whole time, which is practically the only time I've genuinely laughed all month long. I like it. I like laughing, it's something that makes me feel good.

Regretfully, I leave the theater and begin to ponder taking yet another bag of popcorn along with me as I opt to meet the driver halfway. I eventually give in to my temptation and get my second bag of popcorn, figuring I'd work off with my walk. Turning to leave the concession stand, I end up seeing Humphrey coming out of the same theater that I left from. I can see that I'm the last person he expects to see, but he can't avoid me because we're practically staring at each other. Hesitantly he walks over towards me as I meet him halfway.

"Hey" Dan says casually

"Hey" I reply

"What brings you here?" Dan asks

"Bringing Up Baby" I tell him as I show my ticket to him "I forget how great that movie truly is" I said allowing a smile to escape "You?" I then ask

"Same. I was feeling Howard Hawkish tonight so I opted for a good laugh" Dan tells me

"Exactly. I don't think I've laughed like that in quite some time" I tell him as the silence begins to build between us as we try to figure out what to say to each other while trying to be polite.

"You gave in?" Dan asks as he notices the bag of popcorn in my hands but I forget that I have it "You usually liked the popcorn from here, but you thought you'd be weak if you got a second bag" he tells me as I remember that we've gone to numerous movies together to where he knows my own habits

"I'm getting the second bag now. It's a new thing I'm trying out" I smile as a brunette comes up and links her arm in his.

"I'm ready" The brunette says as I'm almost confused to see him with another girl. I thought he was dating Serena now. I mean they were in the Hamptons together. I thought they were together?

"Well it was nice running into you Blair" Dan says as they begin to walk away before Dan turns back to look at me "The second bag is always worth it" he tells me before he walks off with his brunette and I'm once again watching him leave. I smile to myself as I've got my bag of popcorn to end the night with and I don't feel the slightest bit of guilty about it.

* * *

**October 24, 2012**

It's been awhile since I've been on the campus of Columbia. I can only remember brief stints of coming to the actual campus for tests, but nothing to the effect of being here the whole day. I hadn't put too much focus on college in my freshmen year, which was strange since college was the key thing I worked my whole high school career for. Not getting into Yale probably had a lot to do with me slacking off, but it's just another constant reminder that everything slipped after that. My focus had always been Yale, but after that it was just getting in to a college to spare my parents shame.

I have my over sized map as a guide to the campus, which makes me stand out like a sore thumb. I find my first class with a bit of ease, which makes me feel like the rest of the day would be an ease. Sitting in class, I find the Professor does little to engage with the class as he's merely spitting out stuff that will be on the test. Can't say I loved that style of teaching, but the more I wrote, hand writing I might add, I began to pick up the information. His lesson was brief, but to the point. I guess I could learn to like him. Some of his talking points were the key things I struggled with at the office, such as; developing ratios, and monthly reviews over the finances. I know that sounds pretty common, but I just glossed over the basics thinking I went straight into critiquing clothes, when the business side is where I failed. If there was one thing I needed to do after class, it was that I needed to highlight the hell out of the important information that pertained to Waldorf Inc.

Sitting in the quad area of the campus, I see a variety of students that make up the colorful student body. The girl sitting with a book firmly in her hand on the grassy knoll, she's in my earlier class. Haven't quite caught her name but I should for future reference. Sipping on my vente latte, I begin to go over my notes once more as I begin to recite it like a poem to myself. As I recite, I begin to think of ideal situations where this would apply to Waldorf Inc. I struggle at first, but I write down the things that confuse for later brain twists. As I sit with my notes in my lap, I can't help but notice a pair of eyes on me. Looking up hesitantly from my notes, I'm hoping it's not one of the frat boys trying to get me to go to a drug infested party. Surprisingly, I see Humphrey walking down the pathway as he seems even more surprised to see me.

"Uh, no offense, but what are you doing here?" Dan asks as he walks up towards me

"Nice to see you too. I'm here because I have class here" I tell him

"As in had, as in you're taking a class?" Dan asks

"Taking in the present tense. I'm back full time. Regular Monday through Thursday gig" I tell him

"Oh, in what?" Dan asks

"Management and Marketing" I tell him

"Oh, well…good. That's good for you" Dan replies "Well have a fun, I guess" he says before he adjusts his bag as he attempts to walk away but I find that I want to continue the awkward conversation

"What are you doing here?" I then ask

"I think it'd be best if we not discuss that" Dan sighs

"Why?…am I bugging you?" I ask as he just looks at me

"It has nothing to do with you…well it kind of does, but it's an argument that I want to avoid" Dan babbles

"Spit it out Humphrey, you know I'll find out regardless" I tell him

"Directing. I'm taking a directing class" Dan blurts out as I seem a bit surprised

"I never took you for one that was into that" I reply a bit confused

"The publishing house just sold the rights to Outsider and Insider to a studio, Miramax. They want to adapt the books, and I was able to wiggle in say on how the book is adapted. So I thought I'd take a directing and film class" Dan tells me as I begin to panic at the thought of someone playing me in a movie

"So that's really coming to life" I simply reply "Congrats Humphrey" I tell him as we awkwardly smile at each other. Looking down at my watch, I see that I have only twenty minutes to find my next class. I'd be okay with that, but I have no clue as to where this class is and the nervousness begins to show. "Just how well do you know this campus?" I ask him as I get up from my seat to gather my stuff

"Well enough" Dan replies

"How do I get to the Piermont building?" I ask as I show him my oversized map

"You're working the true freshmen status, huh?" Dan asks as he laughs to himself at the size of my map "You can just walk towards the Student Union, then turn right at Starbucks" he tells me

"Where is that on the map?" I ask as I look on at the map

"It's not going to be on the map….you know what, you see that building straight ahead?" Dan asks as he reached across my body to point towards the building and I swear I get a rush of his cologne to wear I remember what it was like to truly be close to him. "You're going to see a Starbucks once you reach that building, then walk towards the Starbuck but make a right as soon you come up on Starbucks" he tells me once more as I slowly but surely grasp the concept that I'm looking for Starbucks

"Okay" I say in an unconvincing tone "Sorry, it's my first day and this campus is just so big…" I begin to explain before he begins to lead the way

"C'mon. Let's go, I'm pretty sure you're running out of time" Dan tells me as I begin to follow behind him.

* * *

**October 30, 2012**

The Annual Masquerade Ball tends to be more tedious than I originally had intended for it to be. I sign up to help in the planning a while back, but I never thought Penelope would take me up on the offer. I have a test to study for, Daddy's birthday present to buy, one day to learn Jewish phrases for Cyrus's family, and now I have to get ready for a ball. I'm tempted to tap out, but I promised I'd attend with Nate. I make him promise that he won't try to ambush me with any talks of reuniting with Serena because that's the last thing I want to deal with. I don't expect him to mention Chuck, since they barely talk as is. Chuck has managed to seclude himself in running Bass Industries. Almost seems funny that I'm going with Nate again since we always used to go to these things together

It's eight o' clock when Nate gets around to picking me up. He looks spiffier than ever as he's the perfect gentlemen in complimenting on my chosen Eleanor Waldorf original. I plan to implement my own marketing tool that I tweaked a bit from the notes in class that I got. I feel hopeful if Nate manages to notices it. Mother smiles and gawks as she swears it's like a trip down memory lane. I don't care to engage in that trip because there's no memory to go back to that would make this Ball a throwback moment of any kind. I just want to go and get this over with so I can have some bit of sleep after a sure all nighter that I'll have to pull.

The whole car ride over, Nate and I talk about social events and who we hope to not see. The older statesmen manage to make it on our both of our lists, which is good because those are exactly the people we plan to avoid. Mostly we laugh and joke about random all the key things that annoyed us about our past times in coming to the Ball. It's a good conversation because it lasts all the way to where we're surprised we got there so quickly.

Immediately, I begin to see and talk with a few of the people I happened to like at the office. They fill me in on the mini scandals that we have brewing, and surely I stow them away in my box of payback. I'm astonished that a few people miss me as they believed that I was the next generation to breath new life in to the company. I cherish what they say as that gives me more to strive for on my journey to be better. I make mental notes of the problems that the company is facing, and I plan to research a means of solving them for when I go back to the house.

The party was mostly fun until I managed to do the very thing I didn't want to. My need for a Cosmopolitan lands me in the very spot where I run into Serena. I have to wait for my drink as more people tend to be drinking this year than ever, so I'm stuck with waiting next to Serena. I can feel her eyes looking at me as she debates on what to say to me. I almost laugh as it's become pathetic that we have to plan what we want to say to each other now. What happened to us being able to talk about anything? I question to myself as she finally gets her drink. I'm hoping that it's the ticket she needs to avoid even speaking to me, but it only entices her to speak.

"How have you been B?" Serena asks knowing that's a horrible question to ask because it could have too many responses, all of which are bad.

"Good" I reply briefly

"I'm sorry about Chuck and you" Serena tells me

"Are you? I mean let's not fake it. We've dug our hole too deep to be fake" I tell her

"I'm not trying to be fake" Serena tells me as a silence comes between us "I miss you. I mean that B, I miss you a lot" she tells me

"You always show me how much you miss me. I especially loved the video of you and Dan" I reply as sarcastic than ever

"That was a mistake" Serena defends

"I know. I've heard every excuse of what it could possibly be" I tell her "I assume that the passion fizzled out afterwards" I then say

"Dan had nothing to do with that. I tricked him" Serena reasoned

"I think if he has himself inside of you, then he clearly had something to do with it. Doesn't matter because Humphrey has all ready made it clear that it's none of my business and that I have no right to judge" I tell her

"Dan and I never slept together" Serena replied in confusion

"Serena, I saw the tape. You two slept together. Dan all but confirmed it" I tell her

"No, we never slept together. I mean it looks like it, but it was just a lot of…." Serena begins to tell me but I want to be spared of the information

"Pass. Pass" I declared

"It was enough to make him feel guilty, but we never did anything beyond that" Serena says

"Then what about the Hamptons? You two must've used that day as the spark to start up another relationship again" I ask

"We went together because Dan thought I should talk to my mother. He was in San Jose with me, but nothing romantic happened. He helped me through rehab" Serena tells me as I'm more confused than ever

"Why would Dan lie about you two sleeping together?" I question "I mean it explains the brunette I saw him with at the movies, but you two had to be together" I tell her

"Only in San Jose, and I have nurses and therapists that can tell you nothing romantic took place. He visited and attended the family sessions with me. It was pretty intense, but romance was the furthest thing from my mind. Did I originally intend to hurt you by recording Dan and I? yes, but the very fact that I stooped that low was one of the many catalysts of me having to get help" Serena tells me as we share a rare moment "The brunette, her name is Sara . They met in Nantucket. They've been together for two months or so" she tells me as on queue Dan and Sara walk in to the Ball, looking as if they were the King and Queen of it all. The way she smiled at him, and the way he smiled at her. It was as close to royalty as could be. Sara seemed wholesome and like the girl next door that you usually don't find in Upper Eastside.

"I'm happy for him" I reply as I look away from the couple

"And us? Where are we?" Serena asks

"We've got ways to go S. We can't be fixed with a confession because in that confession, you still were set in betraying me" I tell her as I can't manage to give her that happy ending she wants for us.


	4. November 2012

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Four- **

**November 2012**

* * *

**November 5, 2012**

I wasn't quite sure what lead me to take this step, but I felt it was one of those things I needed to do. I woke up this morning and just couldn't manage to shake what Nelly Yuki had said to me. I mean it took her mentioning how sorry she was for me losing my baby that I felt like I was beginning to finally grieve. My every thought was of what would my life be like if I had my daughter. Would Louis and I still be together? Would she look like me? Would she look like Louis? I kept asking myself as I tried to carry on through my day. I couldn't stop wondering each time that I looked in the mirror, what if on everything.

Sitting in the waiting area. I flip through the magazines that they think will serve as distractions, but only serve as reasons to make you think that you're not living the life like the people on the pages. I stumble upon a pictures upon pictures of women smiling in joy at their babies, and I can't help but wonder if having the baby would've made my life complete. Would my happiness have come from bringing life into this world? I keep asking myself questions on top of questions that I just didn't have the answers to and never will. Putting the magazine to the side, I entertain the idea of wishful thinking. I even plan to organize my wardrobe, since that's the bit of my room that I decided to leave in tact. The Victorian Era theme had to go, but my Marc Jacobs didn't have to. I know progress one step at a time. It's when I begin to think of the very things that I need to organize when the therapist comes out.

The therapist is nice and warm. I absolutely hate that because those are the very one's that want to break you in to pieces so they can mold you to their liking. I look over a few times to make sure that she doesn't familiar from any social circles. You have to be sure these days? Humphrey proved that anyone and everyone can write a tell all book. She starts off with asking me basic questions for the sake of filling out patient paperwork. I like this part. I don't sound crazy in this part. I sound put together and established with these questions. Crap. She's asked about why I'm here. I'm hesitant at first, but she's helped me realize that the only way to deal with my issues is to admit them.

I relay my story to her, and the whole time she honestly listens to me. I expect her to judge me at some point, but she doesn't. I expect her to diagnose me with some letter loaded diagnosis, but she doesn't. The more I talk about how I wish that things would've been different, I begin to see that it becomes helpful in the fact that I'm just talking about it. I ultimately come to the conclusion that regardless if I would've had the baby, I wasn't ready to bring a child in to the state of environment I was in. That's normal to hear for most girls my age because wither you're ready or your not. It's the 'state of the environment' that troubles me the most. I was in a relationship with a guy that loved me, that saw the good in me but didn't like the bad. I was drawn to a guy that loved me, but only understood the bad in me. In a normal world, a girl would go for the guy that saw the good, but I went for the bad. I probably would've still chose Chuck, but knowing what I know now…I wasn't ready for either one. The environment I was in myself wasn't healthy, let alone healthy enough for a baby to come in to. Though losing a baby is never a blessing, I can't help but feel like not having a baby was yet another sacrifice I endured to be in my on going cycle with Chuck. Another casualty in our epic love that only existed in our minds rather than in realty. I just hate that me losing a child was all in the name of a love affair that was toxic.

After my session, I felt better than ever. I wasn't exactly healed or over what effect my relationship with Chuck had on me and him, but I was on my way towards it. I felt a bit lighter, and a smile was coming easily for me on the drive back. I even managed to schedule a session for every other week because the therapist didn't think I had completely lost my mind. The therapist said nothing was wrong with me after my multiple ways of asking her. I was assured that I was going to be just fine, which is exactly what I need to hear these days.

* * *

**November 15, 2012**

Five percent. I'm but a mere five percent away from getting the highest grade in my Marketing class. Assignment after assignment, I find myself battling with Joshua Middleton. I happen to like to know who I'm up against. I honestly thought that when Joshua had a hundred and six degree of favor that he would relinquish his claim over the title, but he ended up doing assignments from his hospital bed. I fear that no assignment will allow me to leap over him in the standings, but then the teacher happens to mention that our midterm project will be a heavy percentage of our grades. This marketing project has to do with taking an idea and making vertical integration with it. I'm talking it has to involve actual months worth of results from within our student body. The concept of Gossip Girl is all ready taken, so I can't really steal that idea. I need a commodity that can sale and have a promising future.

I sit in the quad, waiting for my next class as I've gotten used to following the pathway towards the Student Union then making a right at Starbucks. Sitting with my bottle of water, I go over my notes once more as studying for my business class becomes easier by the day. That's a class I don't even worry about, but still studying is something I must do for those surprise questions he likes to throw at us. Still, I find myself struggling with my marketing project. Looking up, I notice Humphrey walking down the pathway, stuffing his face as usual. He doesn't ignore me this time, he actually walks over towards me which surprisingly makes me a bit excited.

"Hey" Dan said as he offers me a chip from his bag "Do you want one?" he asks as I look on at the grease that begins to form around the top of the bag along with the salt.

"No, I'll pass" I tell him "Are you off to your next class?" I ask him

"No, I just finished with my midterms. So I'm all done with class for today" Dan tells me as he seems less awkward when it comes to talking with me

"Lucky for you" I smile

"What are you studying?" Dan asks as he looks on at my notes

"I'm studying for my business class, while worrying for my marketing class" I tell him

"Okay, that makes no sense" Dan replies

"It does, when you think about it. I have a marketing project for my marketing class, I'm supposed to get a months worth of results from the student body and turn an idea into vertical integration" I say

"I'm sure you'll find something" Dan says as he slowly backs away still munching on his chips before a sudden idea comes to me. Quickly putting my notepad to the side, I run over towards Humphrey

"Humphrey, wait!" I call out as he turns to face me "I just thought of something" I tell him

"Good for you" Dan replies awkwardly unsure of what he should say

"Look, I know that we're still on rough waters, but I just thought that you could help me" I tell him

"I can't help you" Dan replies

"I think you can" I say "Look, I think we can take one of your books that you've written it. We can market it and I can get my five percent to beat Josh" I tell him

"My book? I have an agent that markets me. I'm not going to re-market any of my books" Dan said

"No, not Outsider or Insider. I'm talking about the other books that you've written" I tell him "You know the one you have saved under 'Dan's Journal' on your lap top" I say

"Blair, how do you know?" Dan asks

"Humphrey, do you really want me to reveal the sources. Has our past relationship left you so naïve as to the information I can get my hands on?" I question him

"Let's not mention our past, it still effecting our present. I'd like to help, but I just don't think I can" Dan says

"Why?" I ask him "I mean what else is there to be mad about?" I ask

"Just because I can manage minimal conversation with you, it doesn't mean I forgive you….and you shouldn't expect me to. We're not friends. Now, I'm sorry but I can't help" Dan tells me before he tosses his bag of chips into the trash can beside us then turns to walk off but I once again find it hard to just let him walk away as we leave things on bad terms. Running in front of him, I force him to stop and talk to me.

"We were friends. You can say anything else, but don't you dare say that we weren't friends Humphrey" I told him "You were my best friend….you still are. I've been dealing with losing the baby. I even went to see a therapist…" I began to say

"Why are you telling me this?" Dan said as he ran his hand through his hair in frustration

"Because Dan!" I exclaimed as tears welled up in my eyes as I looked him dead in the eyes "The person I wanted to talk to was you. I wanted to talk to you about if I was crazy or if I was just trying to feel sorry for myself" I told him

"You should go for the last one because that's what this is always about" Dan told me as I was baffled by his response

"What?" I ask in utter confusion

"You heard me. You're just trying to feel sorry and you expect me to come to your rescue and tell you that you're perfect or that I'll be there. It's always about you, and nothing else. We were never friends because it was always a one way street with us, and friendship isn't about that. I can list thousands upon thousands of things about you, and I bet that you can't do the same because you never care about what I feel or what I may need!" Dan yells at me angrily

"You make me out to be so selfish" I tell him

"Because you are. You may not realize it, but you are. You've always been. I just loved you too much to see it. I can't help you because if I help you then I'll be falling for the same crap, and I've gotten past the crap you pulled and I'm not about to get pulled back in" he tells me as it finally sets in with me "Minimal conversation. No purpose. No meaning, but just minimal talk that won't even be remembered. That's all I can give to you" he says before he walks away from me for good this time.

* * *

**November 25, 2012**

Thanksgiving in the Waldorf house is always a mad house. Mother of course has guests over that's she either considering a friend or trying to get in to business with. Sad that people have to do business on a holiday, but those that rest always miss the opportunity to get ahead. That's what my mother lives by, I choose to live by a different creed. Daddy and Roman have come in to make the house a bit more light than it usually is. Cyrus even joins in on the happy spirit that is Roman. This year he's designed the center piece and thinks it's just heaven sent. I personally think it looks like construction paper put together, but I'd never tell him that for the sake of Daddy. Dorota is all smiles to see us all gathered together on this festive holiday, while I try to sneak in studying in between small tastes of Daddy's pie.

Sneaking away a few moment in my room, I hope that I can cover the first chapter of the four that I have to get down by this weekend for a pop quiz that I'm sure will be coming. Daddy has commented on my newly drab room. I told him I haven't gotten around to choosing my theme, but I will once school dies down. Daddy is happy that I have picked up with school, and I hate to say it but I'm glad that I'm making him proud again. It's been a while since I've managed to make him proud of me, but I'm glad it starts with the one decision I feel confident about. Sitting at my desk, I begin to get back to my reading as I can hear that dinner is drawing near soon enough. Just as I begin to get down to the heart of my information that I must intake, I begin to hear the words of Humphrey echo in my head.

How dare he say that I wasn't a friend to him. I was always a friend to him. I hated to admit that very fact, but I was a friend. I mean there was that time that I…I set him up with Serena. Of course, that was the night that he kissed me and ignited the beginning of awkwardness between us as the prospect of being more had now been placed on the table. Oh, and then there was that time…I didn't get mad about the book, I mean I may have yelled and proclaimed that we weren't friends, but that's a honorable reaction when someone is being rumored to have slept with someone that they most certainly did not sleep with. I was a friend to Humphrey. I don't need examples because I know that I was. At least I think.

Dinner has been pushed back an hour because mother manages to close in on a deal that could put Waldorf Inc a big commodity in Asia. I love how she's backed away from the business, but still manages to do business for the company. I make small talk with Roman, but I can tell he's becoming starved and any words out of his mouth will be influenced by the fact that he's hungry. I begin to ask Roman about his beliefs on friendship, and he gives me the typical quotes I've read repeatedly in books and magazines. Roman questions why I want to know about such a plain subject, but as he mentions this one belief, I begin to reflect 'Friendship is a two way street. It becomes confusing because at times, we make u-turns, but it's a street that has a coming and going. Friendship allows you to learn and be taught, but most of all, you have to listen than always talk. Friendship has two ways of working: accept friendship, and give friendship. The moment you find a third way, then most likely it is doomed to fail.'

Listening to him speak, I begin to realize that he speak eloquently. Those around me seem to hang on to his every words as if he's William Shakespeare. The more I look around, the more I begin to see that people truly enjoy him They love his words. They love his stories. They love the character he lives vicariously through. It is then that I begin to realize that he is in fact a good author. Questions about his upcoming movie enables him to blush as he's not one to toot his own horn. He gives small detail, but jokes about his bank account be a bit bigger than usual, though he still lives like his bank account is small. Speaking of his loft and the numerous adolescent days he spent writing stories about what he thought he'd be, he manages to get the sympathy from every girl in the near vicinity.

After he finishes up with his running diatribe, I can't help but clap as I thoroughly enjoyed the words he gave. The crowd begins to disperse as he hangs behind talking with people, I slowly get up from my seat to walk up towards where he is. Seeming to enjoy the conversation he's engaged in, I become nervous that I'll only dampen his mood. My fears get the best of me as I soon turn to bail, when he finally notices my fleeing legs in a mad dash for the exit. Hearing my name being called, I slowly come to a halt as I begin to rack my brain as to what I should say.

"Blair, what are you doing here?" Dan asks as he puts his book bag on his shoulder

"I…I came because…" I struggle to find the words all of a sudden "I'm here to be a friend" I then declare

"Okay…Blair, what the hell are you really up to?" Dan asks with a bit of laughter as he's in disbelief

"Nothing. I'm here because I want to be. Friends come to support, and I'm supporting" I tell him

"Yes, I see. I just find it hard to believe that you coming here is suppose to spark friendship between us. I mean is there something else, are you upset that I'm talking about the book? are you trying to sabotage me in some way? Are you…" Dan begins to say

"I sucked. That's what they say, but I have…I sucked" I immediately blurt out

"What are you talking about?" Dan asks

"I sucked at being your friend. I realize that now, but I want to amend that. I care about you and I'm prepared to be a better friend this time around" I say

"No, this…this won't work" Dan tells me

"Why not?" I ask

"Because…just because" Dan sighs as he can't seem to give me a reason

"I hurt you, and I'm becoming more and more aware of that. I'm not proud of the things I did, but I will certainly appease for my past actions in the present. I'm going to be better, I assure you of that, but I ask that you let me work at being a better friend as you were to me" I tell him

"It's not that simple" Dan groans as I can see that he's letting his walls go down a bit

"It's never simple" I quickly reply with a bit of a smile as I can see his eyes widen at a sight from a far. Turning a bit, I can see that Sara waits for him in the backround

"Humphrey and Waldorf friendship. It'll never work" Dan laughs a bit

"I like to think we can defy those odds, I mean I've accepted the friendship and now…I choose to work at being something I never was to you. I like to think we'd be better this time around, you know with my new strength I will uncover, an equal friend" I smile

"Yeah well, we'll see" Dan laughs "Happy Thanksgiving Blair" he tells me

"Call me Waldorf. You've always called me that, and I don't want it to be different" I tell him

"Okay, Happy Thanksgiving Waldorf" Dan obliges my wish before he walks over to join Sara.

* * *

**November 30, 2012**

I'm beginning to panic on my Marketing project. I've racked my brain with numerous ideas, but my deadline is coming up. I have to e-mail my teacher by the end of the night so I begin by the first. I've thought about doing perfume, but then that was lamer than anything. I thought about shoes, but then I really don't want to see other people's feet. My ideas are permanently and utterly lame. Once class is dismissed, I begin to feel even more pressure as I've only put myself closer towards my deadline. Gathering my stuff together, I begin to see that my book bag is getting heavier each week that I come to school. Making my way out of the class, I go to get my usual cup of tea as I go towards my usual spot in the quad area.

There was no time to study for my business class, when I was stressing out on my marketing project. I'm saying this like crazy but only because it's stressing me out like crazy. Propping my legs up to where they're folded comfortably for my notepad to be perfectly placed in between my legs. Nearly downing my tea, I'm starting to wish that I got that cup of coffee because it's going to be an all nighter. Now I realize that not going to college the first time around is coming to haunt me because then I'd be more equipped to handle the mind warps that are becoming too much at this point.

Like clock work, I look up from my note pad to see Humphrey walking down the pathway with his book bag in hand. He nervously waves in his corny Humphrey way. We're still very much weird, but I like to think that I'm making some progress with him. Taking a seat beside me on my seat. Humphrey teases me that this has become my usual spot. I laugh, but I can't help but acknowledge that he's completely right. Humphrey asks about my assignment, and for the part I lie because I don't want to start off our fresh start with making it about my problems. Of course there is a part of me that wants to tell him my problems, but that's not fair to him. We mostly talk about the basic stuff, the upcoming semester and the possible classes that we'll be interested in taking. Later in the conversation, Dan tells me about karaoke night that's being held at the local pub that's about walking distance away from the campus. I'm not all that interested in karaoke, but I hear a couple of the girls in my class talk about it, so I guess I'd know some people. Humphrey tells me about it, so I assume that he asks me to go. Ultimately, I tell him I'll think about it, but I won't stay long because I have to e-mail my teacher.

As the day wanes on, and I still have yet to crack any ideas, Nate happens to call me. He hears that I'm going to the karaoke night at the pub which he happens to be attending as well. He wants to go together, which I'm all for because I'm a fish out of water in my college. Nate plans to pick me up at six, which gives me only one hour to get it together for school. Sitting in front of my computer, I begin to lock in to what may work, what is working. I think I'm coming on to something with a rare lipstick that can heal cracked lips. I know it sounds horrible because I'm just pulling at straws.

When Nate picks me up, I'm glad to be getting out of the house. The drive over, Nate tells me about Serena and I'm semi interested but not so much. I can tell he hates being the peacemaker because he sucks at it. We get to the pub, and it's the typical college atmosphere. The pub is packed with kids from school and I happen to recognize a few of my classmates. Nate and I grab a corner booth that happens to have a great view of the stage. We begin to start off with beer, and Nate seems to be the life of the party. People come up to talk to him, but he doesn't dare leave my side. I begin to feel like Humphrey isn't coming to this event after all. Just as I begin to think twice about getting another beer to go home and figure out my marketing project, Humphrey comes in with his hand lingering behind as he guides Sara through the crowd. Oh, crap. I think he's trying to get us to meet for the first time.

Sara doesn't say much but praises of whomever is singing. She leans in to Humphrey's chest as she sings along with who's on the stage. I can't help but notice that Humphrey likes it, he even carries on conversation with Nate while Sara just leans against him. Humphrey shares an occasional word with me, but nothing to rave over. As the night wages on, more people tend to come up to the table and make conversation with Humphrey, Nate, and Sara. I just sit there and sip on my beer, just trying to figure out how I plummet from cocktail parties to Budweiser or Blue Moon if I'm lucky.

I grow tired of waiting for conversation. Nate talks to me, but I find that Humphrey's lack of talk annoys me more than normal. Sara's having a good time as she's sung Cyndi Lauper's Girls Just Want to Have Fun song more than it needs to be sung. It's clear that she's the girl that Nate and Humphrey like to hang with, but I've got too much on my plate to hear another song. Waiting for my moment, I get up from my seat and end up sneaking out when the time is right. Paying for both mine and Nate's drink, I don't want to stick him with the bill, but the rest of the drinks will be on him from this point forwards. Opening up the door, I begin to walk towards the street as I hold up my hand to hail a taxi. Finding that a taxi might take some time, I hope that if I walk a little further than I'll get a taxi sooner.

"Taxi won't come here. You gotta walk towards the train station" Dan says as I turn to look and see that it's Humphrey behind me

"Good to know" I reply as I continue on my walk

"So did you have a good time?" Dan asks as he walks beside m

"It was an experience" I force a smile

"At least you tried it" Dan laughs "You didn't have to come" he tells me

"I know I didn't, and I probably shouldn't have….but since you asked so nicely" I tell him

"I figured that's the only reason why you came" Dan said "I guess you're really into this changing thing" he says

"Very much so" I tell him "Shouldn't you be getting ready to sing?" I ask as we continue to walk even as we cross the street together

"I love my Radiohead in private. I'm not one to sing or belt out a tune" Dan says "So have you come up with anything for that assignment of yours?" he asks

"No. I believe I have not. I have nothing and will be five percent short of Josh for the time being until otherwise" I tell him as a silence comes between us "But that's just me answering your question, not expecting anything in return" I add

"When I was in junior high, I wrote this story about a community that was basically a land of people that were purely robotic. They were governed by these four people, two girls and two guys. These people did something and the rest followed. It was just the law of the land" Dan tells me

"Oh, that sounds like your precursor to Insider" I laugh but it ultimately sounds familiar

"The name of the book was Blackberry Hill" Dan tells me as I try to hold back my need for laughter "It's not the catchiest name, but it's all my teenage angst brain could deliver. It's yours if you want it" he tells me "It's nothing that I'm planning to use, and it's not based on anyone but my pathetic life at that point in time" he says as he turns to look at me once we reach the crosswalk. Handing me over a USB, I reluctantly take it

"This seems to be your tag line, but….why are you doing this?" I ask him with hope in my eyes

"I look forward to the new Blair Waldorf. I just don't want to miss out on helping how great she could be" Dan smiles.

"Thank you Humphrey. I can work with your failures in the social standings, I mean every person can identify with that" I tease as he hails me a taxi.

"Goodnight Waldorf" Dan laughs as he opens the door for me to get in

"Thank you once again" I tell him before I get inside the taxi.


	5. December 2012

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Five- **

**December 2012**

* * *

**December 6, 2012**

Reading Humphrey's story has me both laughing and sympathetic towards the main character, Ryan, that I'm sure is him. Humphrey won't say it, but it doesn't take a braniac to figure that puzzle out. I become more and more aware the story for marketing reasons, but also the fact that I'm starting to really love Dan as an author. I spend most of the weekend with my Ipad in hand as I find any place and time comfortable to read the story. I have half the nerve to text Humphrey, but then I wonder if he's changed his number. I haven't been able to call him because we weren't really on speaking terms, but the minimal conversation that he's giving me is doing just fine. I begin to wonder at times if the small amount of times that we do talk, is that minimal and meaningless as he once said or is starting to build up to it actually meaning something.

Coming out of the computer lab, I'm happy that my final touches on my marketing plan is uploaded on to the main website. I promote the story as a teen story that will touch the hearts of many. I totally come up with that last part. I hope that doesn't turn people off in the end. For the most part, my job is done and now I adjust as the number come in along with the comments from others. Most of the feedback so far has been good with very small negative reviews to the story. I can't help but notice the filming crew that is setting up shop on the grassy knoll, and Humphrey leading them. Humphrey isn't exactly a born leader, but he's a guy you want to follow because you know he's smart and knows what he's talking about. I manage to walk over towards where he's setting up, trying to be discreet to see what it is that he's learned of his stint at Columbia.

From my perception, the movie is about a girl who's less fortunate than the guy, but he manages to love her anyways. Why is that always a theme in movies? I then question myself. I watch from a distance, and I'm unseen until Humphrey looks over to see me. I try to pretend like I just came out, but Humphrey notices that I know the story too well to pretend like I didn't. He has a seat set up for me and I continue to watch him do his thing as a director. I like his command and his ability to be a supportive leader. Sometimes I forget that being a leader doesn't always mean yelling and threatening, but being a leader can just be supporting your cast of followers.

It's about two hours later before they finish up for the day. I help put away some of the equipment. The light stuff of course. Humphrey and I decide to walk towards a diner since he's starving. I forgot how hungry he used to get. Humphrey has a knack for eating but never manages to gain a pound off of it. We have small talk. Nothing that is thrilling and decisive on what our future looks like, but I'm happy that we're talking altogether. Grabbing a booth, Humphrey orders himself a coffee and gets my usual tea. I don't have to tell him anything because he knows what I like to eat. I vaguely remember coming here, but I remember that I liked the food here. I'd never tell him that, but he can sense when I detest something.

"So how are you liking your directing class?" I ask him as I prepare my tea

"I like it. I've learned a lot" Dan tells me "I mean it's challenging at times because you're like I have this film that I'm responsible for and I have to convey this message that the writer wants. I guess I have sympathy for the directors now" he laughs

"Director as in the one that's doing your movie?" I ask

"Especially the one that's doing my movie" Dan says "I'm actually supposed to be flying out to Los Angeles for the casting of it" he tells me

"That's exciting" I reply

"Yeah, Sara is going to see her parents. She's getting a little home sick" Dan says

"She's a Californian?" I ask

"Yes, she's a Californian" Dan laughs

"How long have you two been together?" I then ask "That's if you don't mind me asking" I add

"Uh, we've been together for about four months now. We met out in San Jose" Dan said

"Where Serena went to rehab?" I ask as he seems a bit surprised that I know about that little detail "Serena told me about the rehab stint. It adds up to why you two came together to the Hamptons" I tell him

"I think we should avoid that topic all together" Dan sighs

"Typically" I say "But then I can't exactly ignore the facts" I tell him as I find this as the only time that we can talk

"And what are the facts?" Dan asks as I wonder how long he's going to carry out this lie. I wonder how long I can internalize the fact that he can absolve himself of being a cheater like me, but chooses to make me think he did.

"You guys didn't sleep together. Serena told me that you didn't" I say as a silence comes between us "Why would you tell me that you slept with her? Why put truth to a situation that clearly leads an amount of pain that took a while for me to get over the first time around?" I ask

"I knew nothing about Nate and Serena the first time around, so you can't loop me in to that. What happened was something that happened" Dan said

"Yes, but it never happened. Look, why are you still carrying on with it?" I question

"Because when I originally told you, I told you because I needed to hurt you. I needed that space to clear my head" Dan said

"So you lie?" I ask

"It's the easiest thing to do. I needed that time to do what took all summer for me to do" Dan says as he plays with the rim of his coffee cup

"And what's that?" I ask

"I needed to stop loving you" Dan said as he looked up to look me dead in the eyes

"And now?…do you still?" I ask him as if this was the moment I had been waiting for. This was the moment that I needed to know on where he stood because I wasn't exactly sure where I stood.

"I don't love you like that anymore. You wrecked me, but I thank you for it. I loved you more than I did Serena, it's probably why it hurt so bad. I thought…I thought you were my soul mate, but life and the past have a funny way of interfering with our present. So I thank you because now I'm ready to find a girl that will love me the way I want to be loved" Dan says as a smile comes to his face that nearly makes me weak in the knees "I'm a great guy. I'm boyfriend material, but I'm not a guy that will be walked over. I want a woman that will walk beside me and will love me for all my corks" he goes on to say "So, I thank you because it was loving you and our ending that made me realize I'm good enough to get loved the way I loved you" he adds as we look at each other for a moment.

"I'm glad. I mean I would hate to think that you were still in love me while we were working to be friends again" I laugh nervously but in this moment, I don't feel like laugh. This moment my heart hurts. This moment is one that I wish I could never have in my memory because I know by the end of the night, I'll replay his gratitude in my head and secretly I'll mourn.

* * *

**December 12, 2012**

The holidays have swiftly come upon the house. I lead the way with my usual holiday decorum as a house that is decorate shows more family involvement. I'm especially thrilled when I manage to get my imported Christmas Angel from Switzerland. I know that is a bit much, but this ornament is to die for. The tree is almost fifteen feet tall, which is a bit of a down grade. Dorota looks forward to our holiday shopping because she swears she knows what to get me. I don't know why she'd buy my present with me near, but I guess I'm supposed to indicate what I want. Maybe I should indicate a new pair of diamond earrings. It would put her in the poorhouse, but at least she'll know that I got the best present from her. Then again, I need to be better. It's a constant struggle to be soo good. My therapist thinks I'm progressing well, which is always a golden star in my book because no one wants their therapist to think that they're crazy….but then that might be the reason you're seeing a therapist to begin with.

As I begin to narrow down my to do list for the day, Mother comes in to look on at the progress I'm making with the workers I've hired. I assure her that I will be helping in the manual labor. Mother and I begin to talk about work, and she wonders what are my plans to return. I'm a bit skeptical to give her a return date because I don't exactly look forward to the numerous haters I have at work. I have a few supporters on my side, but still not enough to make a triumphant return. I inform my mother that school is taking up most of my time, which it is, then I elaborate that my marketing project alone requires all of my attention, which it does, and that I will be looking to return by the start of the year, which I hate that I committed to. Mother is skeptical, which makes her question if I think I bit off more than I could chew. In that moment, I wanted to say no but a part of me couldn't help but think yes. I had inherited the company. I didn't earn the right to be respected my the employees. I never had a regular job that prepared me for a position like this. I was taking basic business classes just to understand paperwork that most of her employees can get through with ease and comfort. I may feel like a top dog in my classes, but I'm still very much aware of what scared me back to school to begin with.

While shopping, I can't help but wonder about my conversation with my mother. Maybe I should be honest with her. Maybe I should confide in her that working at a magazine would be best suited for me. I need to stop thinking about work, but I just can't help it. Dorota has to literally stop me from purchasing a scarf off of the clearance rack, I mean that would've been fashion suicide all on its own. Escaping the department store, I have to get back into the elements of jewelry. I know jewelry and can't mess up with that.

I look at my diamonds. Then I go over towards my pearls. I look at my necklaces. I look at my rings barely, I want to avoid the whole engagement ring due my bad luck with it. Looking up from the glass case as I begin to admire the beautiful diamond necklace, I notice Humphrey on the other side. He strains his eyes as he looks at the necklaces and bracelets. It's quite funny to see him try to figure out the differences in the necklaces because I'm sure he views them all the same, but price to be highly different from each other. Looking up from the glass, Humphrey finally notices that we're in the same area as each other before he begins to laugh. Humphrey is well aware of how dorky he looked, and that I noticed it. Walking over towards him, I take a look at the bracelet he's eyeing.

"Are you into jewelry now? if so, then I suggest a watch would be in your best interest" I tease as he continues to look

"Ha, ha, ha. I'm just trying to find a gift for Sara" Dan says and I can't help but aww at the fact that he's a man that picks out his own jewelry. Chuck was usually one to send for the best pieces, in which he'd pick the most expensive.

"So you opt for diamonds? Just how rich are you these days?" I ask

"I'm living comfortably" Dan shrugs "All of this looks the same" he sighs

"Typical male" I groan at his inability to put effort in the art of jewelry "You have to realize that not every girl flocks to diamonds. You have girls that flock to them because that's just engrained in them to think diamonds is big time. A girl, if she's got taste, will like a certain piece of jewelry that suits her style" I tell him

"Okay, well what do you suggest then?" Dan asks as I smile proudly that he's finally relinquished his power to me

"First, Sara isn't a diamonds girl. She's a charm bracelet with meaningful charms on it. It's cute that you want to splurge, but a thought in a gift is worth more than a gift with many zeroes" I tell him "Which leads me to this particular piece" I tell him as I point to the exact jewelry I have in mind for him. Looking at me for final confirmation, I smile in delight as all he can do is agree with me.

"Can we look at this one please?" Dan asks the clerk

After much convincing and guiding through the jewelry process, I manage to put together the perfect gift for Humphrey to give to Sara. At times when I have to model the bracelet due to our similarities, I find that a piece of me is jealous because he seems so dedicated to getting her the right gift. The charms represent the things he likes about her and he knows many things about her, that lets me know that Humphrey is by far observant. I start to think, what things does he know about me that I didn't exactly tell him. Overall, I'm happy to help him like a real friend should. I'm happy to be that friend he can come to for jewelry help since I'm sure Nate can't really help in that department like I can.

Proud of his purchase, Humphrey can't help but smile at the expensive bag that's in his hand. It's like a badge of honor for him to hold a bag that he never thought he could even breath on let alone be able to afford. We end up going towards the food court, where he manages to seduce me into buying a bag of popcorn. I eat my popcorn proudly as it's exactly what I need to melt away my all ready existing problems that I had before coming. Dorota texts me to find out where I am, but I tell her she's relieved of her shopping duties since I've managed to get lost in other things. I don't tell her I'm with Humphrey because I know how she feels about Humphrey, and I don't want her to get her hopes up on anything going on between us. Humphrey and I strictly friends, and until we figure out the guidelines to our friendship then no one really needs to know that we're starting to hang out.

"You want a picture with Santa?" Dan asks as he motions over towards the mall Santa

"No, I'm a bit old for that" I laugh as we find a bench to sit on to observe the madness

"You're never too old for Santa" Dan teases as he gets comfortable on the bench "So how is work? Aren't you running your mother's company?" he asked

"That's a very casual way of asking, but yes, I am or kind of" I tell him

"How do you kind of run a company?" Dan asks

"I kind of run it because I kind of ran away from running it because the people kind of think I didn't earn it and I kind of got demoted due to not understanding what the hell I'm doing, then my co-advisor comes in and completely woos everyone" I babble to where he looks confused

"Okay, let me understand this. You don't run your mother's company because the people are mean?" Dan questioned

"That's basically it" I add "It's like me in high school with dress pants" I sigh

"It can't be that bad" Dan laughs

"Humphrey, it's bad. It's very bad" I tell him

"What does your mom say? I mean have you talked about it with her?" Dan asks

"We talked this morning, she wanted to know when I was returning. I reluctantly said at the beginning of the year" I sighed "But now I'm not sure if I'll even be ready by then" I told him

"Which is the reason you went back to Columbia" Dan concluded

"You're getting better at this concluding" I smiled

"I've honed my talents in concluding" Dan laughed "Look, you're good at what you do" he said

"No offense Humphrey, but you don't know what's expected of me at Waldorf Inc" I tell him

"Probably not" Dan said "But I remember with our days back at W that you were determined. What you didn't know, you used every resource to find it out. You were scheming and conniving, you let no one stand in your way" he said

"All of which are traits that I have come to hate about myself and I'm on the path to changing" I reply

"Blair, not everything about you was bad. I like that you're trying to be better, but don't throw out all of the things that made you, you, just to appease some higher purpose" Dan said

"But I thought that was the bad part of me, the things I needed to change?" I questioned

"You have to find that balance of what is good and bad in you, but not everything was bad about you" Dan said "Be you, don't be someone that you're not. Then once you return to form, that girl will be able to run any company" he said as I find comfort in his words. I feel empowered for some reason

"So if I unleash the Blair Waldorf from high school, you'll be okay with that?" I ask

"Will you be calling me cabbage patch?" Dan quickly asks me

"It could slip a time or two" I tease

"Well if it's for the sake of the company, I suppose I could deal" Dan laughs "You can do anything, and the sooner you believe that, you will be able to have everything" he tells me as his final piece of advice

"Everything sounds good" I tell him as we smile at each other before he tears away from our shared glance.

* * *

**December 18, 2012**

The closer we get to Christmas, the more nervous I become for Daddy. He's supposed to fly in the weekend before Christmas, but he's pushed back the dates due to last minute business. Roman wasn't planning to fly in to New York due to a shoot in Paris that would keep him away for the holidays. I call Daddy and leave him a message before he finally calls me back about two hours later. Daddy confirms that he'll be in two days prior to Christmas. Holidays wouldn't be the same without him.

School begins break next week but our projects are to be submitted on the first day of January. Yeah, the teacher shows no sympathy for those trying to get drunker than ever to welcome in the new day. My project is going smoothly as people tend to get obsessed with the story. Some have even requested for a sequel to the story, which I'm sure if they put two and two together than it would be Outsider. Humphrey is unaware of it, but he's managed to write yet another hit. I have reached five hundred thousand followers that stem to the junior high schools in almost all of New York. I'm tempted to have Humphrey revealed as the author rather than giving blog discussions on the book every Wednesday.

Finishing up with my management, I begin to walk to my next class. Getting towards the class, I can't help but notice the yellow sheet taped to the door. Yay, class is cancelled. I can only think of mani and pedi's that I can get. I turn to leave for the day and I can only become excited with what my free hours that I will have to myself. As I begin to bask in my free day, I see that Sara is waiting for me. At first I don't think much of it. I don't think she's actually waiting for me. I see her get up from her seat and then I'm sure that it's me that she's waiting for.

"Hey Blair, do you think we can talk?" Sara asks as she walks up to me

"Yeah, sure" I reply as we walk back over towards the seat in which she originally sat in "What's going on?" I ask unsure as to why she wants to all of sudden talk

"I guess I should just come out with it. I mean there's no use in beating around the bush" Sara says to herself

"Okay" I reply unsure as what she's talking about

"I wanted to know about Dan and you" Sara said

"What do you want to know?" I ask

"I want to know if there's anything going on between you two. I know it's a random question, but I know that you two have been hanging out with each other a lot" Sara told me

"Nothing is going on between us. We're friends and only friends" I assure her

"Are you sure because it just seems like there's something going on between you two?" Sara asked

"That's because I hurt him. I did some things that I'm not proud of, but now I'm just working to be his friend. I want friendship from Humphrey" I told her

"So there's history there?" Sara asked "Did you love him?" she then asks as I feel like this conversation has just gotten weird

"Why do you want to know all of this?" I ask nervously

"….I'm heading back to California" Sara says "I haven't told Dan about it because there just hasn't been a right time to, but I know once I leave that he'll be upset" she said

"And you think he'll come running to me and we'll do some shameful act that will force you to break up with him" I conclude for her

"You're aware of that scenario?" Sara asks

"Too much. Look, I can assure you that you have nothing to worry about. I know for a fact that he's excited to spend the holidays with you" I told her

"I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I just hope he'll be up for a long distance relationship. I really like him, love him even. I just want us to work" Sara said

"Humphrey's the loyal kind. He may be upset at first because he wants you near, but he'll come around to the idea. He'll surprise you in ways that you'd never imagine because he's that kind of guy" I told her "Just be honest with him, and communicate with him. You'll have no problems" I told her as smile slowly came to my face. I just wanted Humphrey to be happy. I hope that he'll make it work.

* * *

**December 24, 2012**

Glad to finally be on break. My results that I'm collecting for my marketing project look promising as well. I'm pretty sure that my marketing of Blackberry Hill has put me in the top five of marketing plans in the class. I have one final trick for my last week to make my followers double. I had to ask Humphrey about it, but he eventually agreed to the idea of him doing a video blog chat. People are going to go insane once they find out that Humphrey wrote the book. He only went along with it somewhat. He wasn't exactly thrilled or even upbeat in that time that we talked. I couldn't help but sense that something was wrong with him. I begin to wonder did Sara break the news to Humphrey. I don't expect Humphrey to relay what's going on with him, but I can only hope that things are going good between the two of them.

Going to pick up a few last minute gift items from the mall. I manage to get Daddy another gift. A fabulous sweater along with a matching dress shirt to go under. I pick up Cyrus's gift at the jewelers as he never gets bored with pocket watches apparently. Everyone on my list is done with, but I still manage to get a few extra items for the sake of me. Passing a book store along the way. I can't help but think that he may like the limited edition of Wuthering Heights. I second guess myself a few times because I'm not sure buying him a gift like this would help with the whole rebuilding process of our friendship. I debate to the point that the store owner looks at me like I've lost my mind. I end up purchasing the book, which is no surprise.

Since I was close the loft, I end up going by to give him his Christmas present. Humphrey is surprised to see me, and for a moment, I begin to realize that it's like old times. Entering the loft, I begin to notice that it's a bit bare. I see boxes packed up in the corner that are labeled as Dan's clothes. A part of me, no all of me begins to panic. What was going on? I begin to ask myself. Humphrey continues to shuffle around the loft as he tries to find where he put his cups at. Humphrey doesn't even notice that I stand in the middle of the floor in complete shock. I mean I literally feel like I've been ran over by a truck or something due to how surprising this all is. He walks over with my usual cup of tea before he takes a seat on the sofa. He lets out a sigh as he seems a bit tired.

"What is all of this?" I ask as still looking around the loft

"Your tea. That's the right flavor, right?" Dan asks as he doesn't catch on to what I was originally talking about

"No, I meant the loft. What's with all the boxes?" I ask him

"Oh, I'm packing up" Dan said

"I see that, but what are you packing for?" I ask finding it completely annoying that he picks now to play dumb

"I'm leaving for California. I'm going to move out there with Sara" Dan told me "I mean it makes sense since my movie is being made out in Los Angeles and that would cut down on my commute" he told me

"Yeah, I suppose. What does your dad say?" I ask hoping that Rufus had some fatherly intellect

"He was happy for me. He loves Sara, and he just told me to do whatever was necessary to make it work with her. I admit that I wasn't thrilled about it at first, but she wanted us to work. She was willing to stay, but then I realized that I couldn't ask her to stay if she was home sick" Dan tells me

"But you're leaving your home" I tell him

"It hasn't been a home in a long time. My dad is traveling with his band. Jenny is in Hudson and traveling. My family is gone, and I've just stayed in one spot here. Going to Rome was the greatest experience, then California is a good spot to land in" Dan says

"What's going to happen with the loft?" I ask him as I try to stop any tears from falling or forming for that matter

"Well I'll be renting it out for the time being then hopefully I'll work up the nerve to sale it" Dan said

"Dan, you can't…." I say as the words seem to escape me. I want to cry but I have to support him, I'm his friend. "This place has a lot of memories. I don't think you should sale it. I mean you will come back, right? You're not just leaving New York all together, are you?" I ask him

"No, but I'll be leaving New York" Dan tells me

"When are you leaving?" I ask

"The day after Christmas" Dan says as my heart nearly drops to the pit of my stomach while I try to keep my brave face

"When were you going to say something? I thought we were friends?" I ask

"I was planning on telling you when I got your present. I picked it up today, but I never got it wrapped" Dan tells me. I can only think that why would you give a present then heap on bad news on top of it. Humphrey walks over to grab the bag off of the table before he walks over to hand it to me. I don't want to open it because this gift feels more like a goodbye gift. I open it up to see that it's a personalized planner. Usually I would mock this gift, but I know that there is some meaning behind it, but at this point, I'm not sure I want to hear his Humphrey reasoning "I know it's cheap of me, but this was really the only gift that I could think of for you. I know that you're nervous about going back to work, but I have this feeling that you'll do fine. You used to have this planner in high school, I remember because you used to schedule time to torture me…" he teases me

"I did not" I laugh

"I know. That girl wasn't so bad, a bit crazed at times, but she was a girl that was misunderstood. I think once people understand you, then they'll see that you're fully capable of running a company" Dan says as I begin to treasure this planner more than anything.

"Merry Christmas Humphrey" I muster up the nerve to say

"Merry Christmas Waldorf" Dan smiles before he walks towards me to pull me in to a hug. I hate to see him go, but I know that I'm the last person that can ask him to stay.

* * *

**December 31, 2012**

Humphrey ended up leaving that Saturday. Nate helped him off. I'm sure they had a good bromance goodbye. I still think it's insane that Humphrey is leaving for California. He says that he'll be living in San Jose, where Sara conveniently lives close to her parents. What type of girl has that big of an attachment to her parents? I mean she can't live away from her parents that she literally has to have her boyfriend move out to San Jose with her. If anyone is being selfish, it's her. I guess her suspicions of Humphrey and I got the best of her that she couldn't even convince him to stay in the only home he's ever know. I mean nothing is going on between Humphrey and I. There's never going to be any chance of us ever being more than friends. Humphrey doesn't even love me. He stated to my face, so why would I still or why would he still care about that part of our relationship.

The New Years Day, I want do my visits before the big ball drop because the last thing I want to do is be out when the clock strikes midnight. I'm going back to work at the company on January 7. So I'm fearing that day more than ever because I'm sure they're all preparing their final attack on me. I don't tell my mother because she seems more proud that I'm returning. I still carry Humphrey's words with me as it comes in handy at times. I kind of wish he was here. I find myself wishing that most of the time to every minute of the day.

Dorota seems to have caught word that Humphrey no longer lives in New York and she's just a complete wreck emotionally. I want to soothe her, but I just want to avoid that mess all together. I mean soon or later I'm going to have to deal with the fact that he's not here and move on from it. Dan Humphrey doesn't make up my world. I can and have gone without talking or seeing him for many years on hand, so there's no difference. Cyrus and mother are talking about taking another trip, which is refreshing because that allows me to act like I own my own place. I've been thinking lately that I should move out. I mean I just went on a whole rant about Sara, so that would be highly hypocritical of me to do so without following my own path.

I've been putting serious thought in to it. I could look in to some places in the Upper Eastside and in Manhattan. There's no rush because I'm sure I'll be getting ran out of town, so I might be working in Paris if this doesn't work out. Paris does sound good though. I'll have to think that one over. As I come down the staircase, I can't help but see that someone is waiting in the foyer. I immediately think that it's someone for mother, but when they turn to face me, I can see that it's Serena.

"I came by to drop off this invitation for Eleanor. My mom forgot to send it out with the carrier this morning" Serena says as she hands me the envelope

"For the Brunch?" I ask

"Yes. Apparently Bart didn't put her on the regular guest list, and you know that's an insult waiting to happen if you forget a key person such as Eleanor" Serena laughed nervously "I hear you've gone back to school" she then mentions

"Yeah, I'm out currently, but I have gone back to Columbia" I reply

"That's good B. School was always your strong suit" Serena smiles happily for me

"And you? How is your job going?" I ask

"Good. I love working there. I've been bumped up to full time now. I'm trying to get the rec center remodeled so the kids can have a safer environment" Serena tells me

"I'm sure that won't be to long" I tell her

"I miss you B. I know that I've said that before, but I do mean that" Serena said as a silence came between us. Knowing that we had reached our limit of conversation, Serena gave me smile before she turned to leave.

"S" I call out before she turns around "I miss you, too" I tell her as the smile comes back that carries more hope than before "Maybe we could get lunch or something sometime" I suggest

"That sounds good" Serena replies

I know that I can keep a grudge longer than normal, but I guess that was the old aspects of me. The one part of myself that I liked back then was that I did love and care for my friends. My friends are my family. S has always been like a sister to me, and I guess that's why when we fight it hurts more. I get back from running errands with Dorota, I head upstairs to my bare bedroom and almost fall back on my bed, but find that it's more bare than I remember. I've managed to get rid of my backboard as it was too grand of a backboard for my taste now. I think everything about my bed needs to be changed. Too many memories or failed relationships have occurred in that bed. As I prepare to go to sleep, I hear a beep sound come from my computer. Walking over towards my lap top, I see that I have a new e-mail. I suspect it's notes for my meetings that I have to attend when I get back. Not to thrilled to look at this meeting schedule and notes, I reluctantly open up my e-mail. I'm surprised to see that it's from Humphrey. Humphrey, Dan to be exact. I find myself smiling uncontrollably. I could try to wipe the smile off my face but it won't happen. The message goes on to read:

_**DanHumphrey48: Hey Waldorf. Just wanted to let you know that I have officially found a theater that play Breakfast at Tiffany's. I saw this and took a picture of it. Sara thought I was weird, but I explained why it was so funny. I didn't go in to see the movie. I've seen it enough to know what is going to happen. San Jose is a bit hot but I hear it might get cold, so I can wear that jacket you hate so much and have reasoning behind it. I won't make this message too long because I'm sure you're preparing for you triumphant return. Well this friendship can still can continue while I'm out here, so if you must e-mail me, I guess you can.**_

I waste no time in replying as I've got nothing better to do. I guess I always wanted an invitation to e-mail in this new era of Humphrey and Waldorf, but I like the fact that he's putting in the same effort in this friendship as I am. Maybe that restart button will be the beginning of something great for this upcoming new year.


	6. March 2013

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Six- **

**March 2013**

* * *

**March 4, 2013**

Sorry for the time jump, but things have been a bit crazy for me. Though I have returned with much to tell and lots of accomplishments on my journey. As you know, January 7 has gone and passed me by, and I've managed to survive that dreaded day on that calendar month. Going back to Waldorf Inc, I realized that I was coming back with something that I didn't have the first time. I was coming back knowing that I had worked for it this time around. I was still going to school part time at Columbia, while running the company with a heavy hand in decisions. Leann is a good leader, and I respect her enough to not mess up the system in place, but I let it be known that while I'm learning a lot from her, I do intend to be the CEO of the company. Leann seemed to have enjoyed my new attitude as she expressed that she was glad I came back as a fighter than a girl that had been wronged. I never thought I could have so much in common with her. I mean she's taught me so much on the business side of Waldorf that I begin to enjoy the fun parts a bit more because I have an appreciation for it.

I've officially found my new place in Manhattan. I've been living there for two weeks, but I do miss home a bit. Not enough to return, but I miss it. Nate pops by every now and then to eat up my food and watch my television since it's close to the Spectator. I never thought I'd like to see him leave, but seeing him leave has become my favorite thing. I love him, but food doesn't last long while he's present. Serena has stopped by. We had a movie night, which was a lot of fun. We talked and ironed out some things between us that may have hurt, but we eventually realized that we did want to remain in each other's lives and by doing that, we had to be better than what we were to each other. I like the new friendship. I guess with me starting over with Humphrey, it's allowed for me to push restart on everything else in my else.

My e-mails from Humphrey came more frequently as he'd send random pictures of the movies he had seen on his days off, while I sent him pics of the movies I was watching. The way we were talking was like he never left to begin with. Occasionally he'd ask about the loft, but I'd assure him that the couple living there was nice and didn't look to change too many things about the place. Humphrey had a few days off while Sara was away on a wellness mission in Dubai, so I managed to convince him to come to New York for a few days. He had a stop in Buffalo to make because he was on a discussion board, but other than that he was coming in to town for the weekend.

Humphrey had originally planned to stay at a hotel, but I thought that be dumb since I had my own place. Humphrey didn't want to intrude but I didn't allow him to say much after because I had made it up in my mind that he would be staying with for the duration of the time period.

It was about 1:00 A.M. when he arrived as he had to catch the last train out. I was all ready dressed for bed, but I had no clue that he would come in a day earlier than expected. I'm excited to see him because California has seemed to do him good. Humphrey still has short hair, which I love and appreciate now more than ever. I set him up in the guest room, and he seems amazed that I actually do my own bed making. Little does he know that I have Dorota swing by every other day to clean. I'm getting better, it was originally every day. He goes to take a shower and clean up a bit. I make him a sandwich in the kitchen because I'm sure he's dying from not getting the chance to stuff his face with something.

"I put the towel in that hamper that was outside. Was that right?" Dan asks as he enters the kitchen to see a sandwich waiting for him "Is Dorota near?" he asks as he's still not used to this independence I have on full display

"Ha, ha, ha. Why didn't you tell me you were coming in early? I could've met you at the train station" I told him

"The discussion board got moved up a day, so I thought I'd just get in early to make the most of New York" Dan says

"Now you have a whole week in New York. That's exciting" I smile

"Yeah, I miss my food. I'm all ready thinking about what I can order at the diner" Dan laughs as I pour him a cup of coffee

"Has been California been everything you hoped for?" I ask

"It has" Dan agrees "I've been working with the movie and Alessandra wants me to begin another outline for my next book" he tells me

"That's good" I reply "Seems like it might take up some time though. Have you been able to manage them both?" I ask him

"I have to. I mean I work all night and then all day on the movie" Dan tells me

"When is the movie coming out? I need to know what days to be out of the country for the reception of Clair" I ask

"It'll probably be out by the beginning of next year or the end of the year" Dan says

"And Sara? How is it living with the girlfriend?" I ask not really wanting to know all of the details, but once again, I have to be a friend

"It's good. We have a system down, and she's got her wellness group. They go in search of treatments for women dealing with ailing diseases, it's more of the natural route. Alternative medicine" Dan says

"Dubai sounds exotic" I then say as the thought instantly pops into my head

"Dubai sounds expensive" Dan then adds as I just laugh at the fact that even though he has so much money, he's still cheap. We laugh and we talk the whole night like we used to. Like we used to when we were together. I don't want to.

* * *

**March 5, 2013**

I woke up this morning to a bonafide Humphrey breakfast. Who would have thought that I could miss his waffles so bad. I think I nearly gained back every pound I tried to lose over the past couple of months. My News Years resolution had been to lose weight or at least tone up a bit. He somehow manages to make things work in my kitchen that I didn't even know that worked. Of course he teases me for being the only person that doesn't know how a kitchen works, but then he still leaves hope that I will find a way to cook some day. It seems like we never run out of things to talk about. There aren't enough movies in the world that we couldn't cover because I'm sure until our dying breath, we'll strive to discuss every movie there is possible. I hate that I have to leave for work because I want to hang out with him and see if we can manage to discuss all the movies in this world. Humphrey assures me that he will busy himself with writing and get into some trouble with Nate.

At work, I managed to get a big victory by pushing the Young Designers Program for Waldorf. In marketing, I figure that linking the company with anything positive in the community will look good for the company in the long run. I don't do this to profit off of the those who are less fortunate, but I do this to give kids something aspire to. Some don't find that to be a good idea, but I simply remind them that I don't care what they think is a good idea because anytime you help someone else and give them a chance to be in the spotlight, that's a great idea. Leann likes my assertive attitude as she finds that it was used for a proper time, and she whole heartedly agrees with me. I don't want to boast, but I kind of want to take a picture of the rejection half of the board members got so I can send an e-mail that says 'Up yours'.

When I get done with work, I go by the campus to take a test. I feel confident as I bubble in the answers because I know this stuff like the back of my hand. I studied all weekend long and I prepared myself for whatever possible answer could appear. I go to hand in my test and the teacher tells me that I'm doing outstanding in class and will hope that I take an advanced class that she's teaching in the summer. I consider, no I promise to take the class because I like going to school and being successful. It's stupid, but in this class, I'm the CEO. I'm in control of if I fail or succeed. The only thing is that now I'm trying to apply that to my every day living.

Walking out of class with the biggest of smiles on my face, I nearly jump back in surprise at the sight of Humphrey waiting at the usual spot. The very spot I used to sit, where I'd always run in to him. It's a blow back to how far we've come, but I appreciate the fact that I still can smile because of him. Humphrey's wearing a newsboy hat. I don't know whether to think of him as a man or see him as a boy. He's got the whole newsboy thing going to a tee. V-neck shirt, plaid vest, jeans, converse, and that newsboy hat. Yes, California has done a number on him.

"I forget how much I miss this campus. I was sitting here trying to compare it to NYU, but I think I love this campus more" Dan tells me as I take a seat beside him on the bench "Hey" he smiles as he looks over at me

"Columbia and NYU, is there any comparison" I laugh

"Do you even own a Columbia t-shirt?" Dan asks me

"No, I don't buy apparel. I wouldn't do that, and I'm not going to start now" I tell him

"Oh, Ms. Waldorf you've got to do better than that" Dan laughs as he gets up from his seat and grabs my hand to drag me along the pathway

"This newsboy hat is getting to you" I laugh trying to do my best to protest but he manages to get me to tag along for whatever.

Humphrey takes me to the campus bookstore. He insists that I get a t-shirt because this place will be something I want to remember. I don't see the point in it, but I start to think about how I rebuilt myself all with coming to Columbia. I begin to realize that this is a place I want to remember. I want to remember everything. I want to remember what knocked me down to my knees, but I also want to remember the things that helped me see that I can control my life, I just have to decide to take control. I want it all. I'm not ashamed to admit that. I just need to convince myself, no allow myself to believe that I deserve it all.

On our way back to my place, I convince Humphrey to buy me ice cream with his big fat bank account. Humphrey ends up buying my ice cream, and I make sure to get my added scoop because I want to enjoy this. I have my Columbia shirt and my two scoop ice cream. Tonight was good.

* * *

**March 6, 2013**

I do my usual routine of breakfast and work. I have a focus group that I sit in on, which most think I won't pay attention to because it's a time filler, but I let the lower associates know that I like their ideas. I happen to jump into the brain storming process of creating the next line for Waldorf, which surprises most of the younger workers that are around my age. I'm sure most of them saw me as a stuck up princess, but I'm glad I was able to change their opinions. I encourage their ideas, and they even like my ideas. We work together to come up with a line that I'm excited to see make it through the process of being an idea to actually being made in the fabric.

Later that night, I meet up with Dan, Nate, and Serena as we enjoy a good round of karaoke to support a friend of Dan and Nate's. The experience is different this time because we all promise to get up and sing. I don't plan to follow through on my end of the bargain, but with Humphrey's powers, I'm sure it will turn out in his favor. Serena and I laugh about the guys as they think they're the life of the party. Serena gets her usual guys coming up to her asking for her number. I begin to think that she's getting back to normal because the Serena van der Woodsen I know is always catching the eye of some guy. It's different this time around because Serena doesn't seem to care about the guys or gets off with how many she's going to get.

Serena and I decide to work our way out of this bet by doing a duet together. We sing 'I Can't Get No Satisfaction'. Nothing like an Rolling Stones record to get me going. Nate and Humphrey are enjoying the fact that Serena and I are getting along like we used to. Serena and I laugh and joke about the random moments we had during our performance, but most all, we enjoy each other. Dale, a guy that happens to enjoy our performance, comes up to me and compliments me. I want to believe that he's just trying to hit on me, but I happen to find him to be funny. Dale and I talk for a bit because Serena somehow manages to leave us alone. Dale doesn't lie, he's honest. I know that's weird to say, but he's beyond virginal as he hails from Georgia. He's got the accent to go along with it. I normally wouldn't talk to him, but I like his conversation.

Going back to the table after talking with Dale for some time, I can sense a different vibe from Humphrey. He seems a bit off, but everyone else is still fine. I go with the general consensus and continue to believe that everything is fine. Nate buys us another round of drinks, while I use a spare moment to ask Humphrey for myself if things are okay. Maybe Sara called him? Maybe he's missing Sara? I think to myself before I ask him. Humphrey tells me things are fine before he quickly goes to join Nate at the bar. Maybe it is a Sara thing I conclude.

By the end of the night, I manage to set up a coffee date with Dale. I'm not going to be one of those girls that get excited because they get the typical nice guy at a bar to work up the nerve to talk to them, but I have to say that I do find Dale to be cute. On the ride back to my place, Humphrey doesn't say much but he teases me about Dale. The teasing seems fine but the subject is still on Dale the whole way home. I finally tell him that I made a date with Dale, and I blush as I begin to tell him that I plan on taking him upon on it. Humphrey seems stunned, but he ultimately doesn't manage to say much after that. I guess I shot that joke down, which has to be a victory in my book. Humphrey doesn't stay up late this night. Humphrey decides to go to bed early because he has a pick up game with Nate in the morning. I find that excuse to be odd, but I'll take it because I've got work tomorrow.

* * *

**March 7, 2013**

I meet Dale for coffee. Dale tells me about his career as a musician. He tells me that he written a song about me because he couldn't manage to get me out of his head since last night. I laugh because that's the corniest thing, but I laugh because I'm flattered at the fact that he can lie for my benefit. Our date goes well because I happen to enjoy our conversation. Dale has big aspirations as a musician and works down at the karaoke bar a couple of nights so he can play a couple of sets during the weekend. I don't tell him what my career is at first because I'm not sure how to describe it, but I end up telling him. He seems surprised that I'm this young and running a company while going to school. I simply tell him, I earned it and will continue to earn it with the hard work that I put in.

After work, I go by the apartment to change as Nate, Serena, Humphrey and I all decide to go to this charity dinner that Lilly has organized. Humphrey isn't exactly looking forward to the social events anymore, but he doesn't get much of a choice. When I get home, Humphrey is sitting in front of the television just watching television when he's supposed to get dressed. I gripe about him not having much time, but he doesn't make much of an effort to get dressed. As I take a shower, I can hear Humphrey outside asking me about how my date went with Dale. I tell him how it went as I doll myself up. After telling him, I don't hear much from the other side of the door as I assume that he's getting dressed. I hurry because he might get upset for me taking so long since that seems to be every guys plight against women.

Going towards the guest room, Humphrey still remains in his regular clothes as he's suddenly had a change of heart and feels sick. I question him a bit, but he's grumpy attitude let's me know that he may very well be sick because he's usually more nice than this. I tell him I'll see him later that night when I come in because I still plan to go to the dinner. I hope he gets better because grumpy Humphrey isn't fun to be around by the slightest. I prepare to leave and for a moment I think Humphrey wants to tell me something. I forget for a moment that I have somewhere to be, but he finds the mute button in his speech. Now I really have to go.

Lilly throws a party better than anyone, but the whole time she looks like she lonelier than ever. Lilly sacrificed her happiness to be by his side, and now…she has nothing but being a step behind and social events to look forward to. I hate to be so drab in describing her, but behind that smile, I see what I could've been. I'll always love Chuck, but I love him more for letting me go. I love myself more to know that being strong doesn't have anything to do with money, social status, and rare jewels. Being strong has everything to do with your ability to be better, even when you don't have the strength to be. I look at Lilly, then I look at Serena to see that Serena has the chance to be something that Lilly never was. Serena has the chance to be happy. I can love, but I don't want to be the fool that loves being in love, not like I used to.

As the party wanes on and the money earned gets insanely high, I find myself looking on at the rest of my peers, wondering where their lives have taken them. I used to look down on some of them, but now it was now that I realize it was the image they feared, not me. I was nothing to be scared of. I was the girl that was clueless to what everything should and could be about. Now, I can simply enjoy a party for what it is, a party. I don't see it as a chance to get ahead or crush someone in the social scene. Ladies and Gentlemen, I think, I think I'm growing up.

Leaving the party a bit early, I get a call from Dale as he spills his heart out on my message machine. He tells me that he had a great time, and can't wait to see me again. He'll wait however long, but if I should get in the mood to sing a song, then come down to his karaoke bar. Again, he's cheesy, but I like that he's crashing and burning at it. I smile and blush at the fact that a guy is completely enamored by me. I like it, I have to admit to that. What girl wouldn't?

I go back to the apartment to find that Humphrey hasn't managed to leave the spot I left him in. Okay, now I know something is up with Humphrey. Why is he on a stand still on my sofa? I begin to question. Putting my keys down on the side, Humphrey looks up at me with those puppy dog eyes. I begin to feel for him as I know that look, I know that he's internalizing something and I'm sure that it has to do with Sara.

"Is this about Sara?" I ask breaking the silence between us but all he can do is laugh to himself "You don't have to hold it in, we can talk about this. I'm here for you" I tell him as he groans in frustration while rising to his feet

"I don't want to talk" Dan groans

"Okay, well you have to tell me something because you're being all moody and a…ass. That's not like you because you're usually a pain in the ass, so you can see the clear contrast" I tell him

"I don't see the contrast" Dan quickly replied

"Really? Because I could swear…." I begin to think over his deduction of the statement

"Nothing is wrong. Everything is fine" Dan replies

"Have you talked to her? I haven't seen you call her since you've been here. I know Dubai has some form of communication out there" I tell him

"Just let it go Blair" Dan replies as he becomes annoyed

"No, I'm not letting go. Humphrey, I want to help. I'm your friend. If something is wrong with you….then that's my problem as well, so don't shut me out on this one" I tell him with every bit of sincerity in me

"You can't help me in this one" Dan says after he looks at me for a few moments

"Try me" I tell him

"We broke up" Dan says as he rises to his feet "She's in Dubai because we broke up, and I should've gone after her. I should've told her what she wanted to hear" he says

"Okay, well we can still do that. I mean it, we can fly to Dubai or you if you want to make it more private, but I can go with you for support. You clearly miss her…" I begin to say

"She left because of you" Dan states as I look at him in confusion

"Again, she thinks that again. I thought I put her mind to rest" I reason "Clearly this might be a solo trip to Dubai because now I have to literally spell it out for her…" I begin to babble again

"Blair, you made it clear to her, but you weren't the reason" Dan said

"But you just said she left because of me?" I questioned

"She left because she thinks I'm still in love with you" Dan says as I freeze for a moment. Wow! This is a completely twilight moment.

"How can she think that?" I ask

"Because I talk to you more than I should for someone who ripped my heart out. I e-mail you about random things because I know you're thinking the same thing. I text pictures to you about our inside jokes that I can't even begin to explain to anyone else. I watch movies that I'd never watch only because you're watching them. I think those could be reasons" Dan tells me

"Yeah, I can see how she could blame me for that" I say to myself "But it's nothing. I mean you're not in love with me, you told me yourself. There's no possible chance that we could ever be more, which I played a hand in. So she has nothing to worry about because we're best friends. You're my best friend" I reason

"And you're mine, but the other night…seeing you with the Georgia guy. I'm beginning to see that she might be right, and I….I can't do that again. I can't" Dan tells me as I shake my head in confusion

"So what are you saying? You're in love with me now because of some guy at a karaoke bar?" I ask "I mean you told me Humphrey, you said that you didn't love me. You thanked me for it. So why the change now?" I ask in utter disbelief

"I should go. This was a mistake" Dan says

"We're best friends!" I yell "That's not going to change whether we want it to or not. I've paid for what I did, but you're my best friend" I tell him as tears well up in my eyes. Humphrey looks at me for a moment as he wants to get past me, but his legs won't allow him to do so. I want him to say something. I want him to tell me that we're not going to take twenty steps back because of a fleeting feeling that was brought on by Sara's insecurity. So what we talk more than we should? So what we have inside jokes that no one would understand? So what? I begin to think of anything and everything that I can say to him on how I deserve my chance. I fought like hell to get my chance and he isn't going to take it from me but I find his lips pressed against mine. I find our lips moving together as his lips seem to know me so well. His lips know that my bottom lip likes a good tug to get in the mood. His lips know that in order to get greater access that he has to part them with ease. His lips know how to open the doors to give ease to his tongue that massages mine. His lips know too much about me.

"I shouldn't want to kiss my best friend" Dan tells me after his lips depart from mine at an unexpected departure time.


	7. April 2013

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Seven- **

**April 2013**

* * *

**April 26, 2013**

It's been a few weeks since he's left. It's been a few weeks since we've kissed, and that fact alone has me shocked. We haven't talked about it because we simply haven't talked. I busy myself with work and school, but I still can't shake what happened. How was I supposed to know that he was feeling a different way? I mean he's the one that told me that it was never going to happen. He sat in the diner and told me that he didn't love me. To me, that's a sign that nothing will ever happen between us. I should focus on work, but I can't seem to because my personal life has managed to intrude. In my meetings, I was trying to pay attention but I kept thinking about how much his lips knew me. I do the normal thing by waiting until my work week was finished before I book a flight out to California. San Jose to be exact if I want to be technical with it. I needed to see Humphrey and he wasn't going to weasel his way out of this.

It's late at night when I arrive in Los Angeles. I guess San Jose wasn't my correct technical point because I looked over the studio filming schedule to see that Insider was being filmed throughout the week. I figured that if I stayed close to the studio then it'd be easier because he had to commute. I stay at the Doubletree Hotel and I'm a mere ten minutes away from the studio. I call Humphrey after I get comfortable and get a well deserved shower. He's upset at first that I just up and came out, but he asks for my information because he's on his way. I get a little nervous because we haven't seen each other in a couple of weeks. I find myself combing my hair more than I should. Brushing my teeth twenty times. I'm acting like I have a high school crush all over again.

By the time Humphrey arrives, he's dressed in sweatpants and a fitted shirt that it showing off his biceps. Sporting a baseball hat along with his backpack, Humphrey has this laid back Californian guy thing down to a tee. He gives me a hug before he makes his way into the room. For the first few moments, he asks about my flight and was it difficult getting to the hotel. It's all basic questions that let's me know that he's being over protective, but I appreciate it because he looks cute in this moment. Taking a seat at the head of the bed, I look at him stretch out across the bed while he takes his hat off to play with his hat air as he lays on his back.

"So are we going to talk?" I asked as I began to play with the loose threads on my pillow case

"I assume that we are. You've flown all the way out here for this" Dan sighs

"No, I flew out here because us not talking wasn't going to solve anything. I mean do you even remember what happened that night before you left?" I ask him

"I remember" Dan replies

"Then what was that? Are you having feelings for me again?" I ask as he places the bill of his hat over his eyes

"Do you?" Dan asks

"You kissed me" I state

"You left me" Dan quickly replied as a silence came between us before he had to knock off his cap to look over at me

"Is that always going to be thrown in my face?" I ask

"For the time being" Dan sighs

"Time being? Humphrey, we've got to get past this" I tell him

"That's easier for you to say, but it will always effect us. I can't say if I do have feelings for you or not because it's scary to have that thought that you might do it again" Dan told her

"So you think if another opportunity arose, I'd leave you?" I ask

"I'm not sure about now, but I…I don't trust my feelings or your feelings" Dan says. I hate that I made him so weary of me. I hate that every aspect in our relationship has to be proceeded with caution.

"I care about you. You're my best friend, and that's not going to change any time soon. I need you in my life…" I begin to tell him

"But as what?" Dan ask "I mean you haven't even said if you have feelings for me as something more?" he asks

"I do. I have feelings for you….I love you. I'm in love with you" I tell him as saying the words would have been a special moment between us, but I had tainted that months ago by not letting him know sooner.

"And I can believe that?" Dan questions "I mean you've said so many times that I don't think you know the real meaning of it anymore" he tells me

"Okay, I know that I have to explain, but you don't have to be mean" I tell him as I don't want this conversation to turn into let's bash Blair session.

"I'm not trying to. I just think that in order for us to even move forward as friends or more, we have to put it all out there. How am I suppose to let these feeling go on, possibly turn in to love for you again? when at the drop of the dime I know you can switch yours so easily" Dan tells me as he props himself up on his arm to look at me

"Because" I state knowing that was a horrible reason

"Because? It's got to be better than that" Dan laughs as the tension grows between us "I loved you. I loved you more than anything I've ever known because around you, I was me. I was becoming the man I had wanted to be and was afraid to be. I saw your world, and I understood that even though it had it's bad side, you were bad in this world because you had to be. I loved who you were and who you were becoming. I knew that we may never have been together, but when you came to the loft that night and told me that your heart belonged to me, that just made it even worse because I wanted to protect you and your heart in a way that Chuck never did" he told me

"And that's what I wanted" I told him

"Then why go to him? Why tell me that I have your heart and then go be with Chuck? It couldn't be because you knew about Serena and I because that happened moments after I found about your decision, which doesn't make it okay, but still" Dan questions as my eyes began to water as I wanted to find the right words to make things better between us, but I knew that it would take more than that.

"He's all I've ever known. Whether you want to know this or not, Chuck saved me…" I began to say before he groaned in frustration

"Oh, God!" Dan muttered into a pillow so that his true volume wouldn't be heard

"He saved me at a time where I needed it. Nate was clearly in love with Serena. I had just found out that they had slept together. I still wanted Nate to love me, so I was willing to put aside my dignity to stay with him knowing all the while that he didn't love me like I loved him. Chuck made me feel desirable and loved. He saw my darkness and helped me see that it was something to love" I tell him as tears stream down my face as I explain "The games were our thing. The schemes were our thing. I would've been satisfied with them up until this day if I hadn't been sold for a hotel. I'm not proud of who I was with him, but a part me always felt obligated to love him because he loved me when I just needed someone to notice me" I say

"So does he still have a hold on you?" Dan asks

"No" I reply "Our relationship was great, but it wasn't the relationship that left me full. Business and take downs were our priority, while our romance slipped in the cracks quicker than anything. As soon as it stopped be the obstacle of our lives to with each other, it stopped being epic" I say "I don't say that because my time with Chuck ran out, so now I want you. I say that because I don't think even then I would've been ready to be with a guy like you. I wasn't the person I wanted to be and I definitely proud of myself. But now….now I want you. I want this. I'm ready for this. I deserve this" I cried as Humphrey crawled towards me on the bed to pull me into a hug.

"Don't cry. Don't cry" Dan whispers as he wipes the tears away from my eyes "Don't cry" he softly tells me

"I want you to stop hating me" I muttered

"I don't hate you" Dan quickly replies "I just hate what happened to us. I hate that I feel like I can't trust you, but I do. I hate all of it" he says as I find that part of his comfort not to help "But we can try. I want us to try and see what we can be. I mean this is why we've come full circle. This is only going to get hard, but we've both got to put in the work" he tells me as he caresses my cheek

"I want to" I reply

"Just stop crying Waldorf" Dan whispers before he leans in to kiss me softly on the lips "You and me" he whispers as he breaks the kiss.

* * *

**April 27, 2013**

I guess you could say that Humphrey and I are on the official rebuilding phase of us as a whole. I know we're all ready suppose to be on that path or I'm supposed to be on that path. All in all, we both have accepted that we've hurt each other. I think it's easier for me to accept most of the blame in the relationship because that's what I'm used to, but last night we just continued to talk about where it went wrong and I like that it's an share of blame in this. Humphrey stays the night at the hotel with me as he plans to show me around all there is to California. We end up sharing the bed, which for most that would be a big deal but I've been in a bed with Humphrey without anything happening. We plan to get up for seven so we can leave the room for eight to have breakfast at this restaurant that he loves. I'm a bit excited because he has to go by the studio. So I get to see him in action. In his element of work as the writer.

How Humphrey can find a diner everywhere he goes, that's beyond me. I think if it doesn't work out for him as a writer, he could definitely be a food critic. We leave on time because I manage to keep him on task when he wants to sit and watch sports highlights. I was tempted though, I so wanted to check my blackberry for any news from work but I wanted to make this weekend about trying to fix things between us. Sitting in a corner booth, we tease each other on what the other might want as it's clear that he knows me so well. It amazes me at times on how can know me so well because I could've sworn that he'd be the last person that would understand all of my corks.

I end up ordering something that he may never suspect that I would like. Okay, well it's not completely out of the realm, but I get a big plate of French toast with an Spanish omelette. He thinks I'll probably be full the whole time I'm out here, but he clearly has no idea that I can eat for days and be fine. He ends up getting waffles and the Spanish omelette as well. I find that odd that he pokes fun at me, but yet orders almost the same thing. I tease him about it, but we like our food.

When we get our food, we spend most of our time laughing than we do eating. At times we forget that we're not the only ones in the restaurant. Humphrey takes a bite of my French toast while I still a bite of his waffles. They don't taste like Humphrey's homemade, but they do the job of filling my waffle taste. We finish up our food somewhat before we both lean back with our stomachs pushed out as we've reached our satisfaction point. Continuing to laugh, we can't imagine going through the day because we're too stuffed to move.

After breakfast, we walk back to the hotel to grab his car. Humphrey owns a car now, which is surprising because in New York a car is pretty much irrelevant. He drives a black Audi sedan. He's got good taste, which I was a bit fearful for after his attire when he came over last night. We go over to the Santa Monica Pier because he's dying to show me the beach. Humphrey says that seeing the beach is the one the necessity of coming to California. I find his enthusiasm to be contagious and I have to admit seeing the water is amazing. We walk along the beach as we do the traditional walking with bare feet in the sand.

"So I can't say that this is all of California, but this is the best part" Dan tells me

"You definitely don't see much of the water in New York. You know less in case we go to the Hampton's" I reply "I can see why you like it out here?…why you'd want to avoid New York all together" I tell him

"I wasn't avoiding New York. I just outgrew it" Dan tells me

"How do you outgrow your home? Humphrey, randoms are living in the loft. Do you know how many tragic and wonderful moments have happened in that loft. It should be like a monument in New York" I tell him

"A family makes a house a home. The loft just turned into a place to stay, and I didn't want that anymore. It made it easier to leave" Dan says

"You mean because of what happened with us?" I ask

"You know, not everything is about you. I don't say that to be rude of course" Dan smiles

"Oh, but then it was about Sara. Being the boyfriend to her" I tell him

"Yeah, it was about being her boyfriend. It may be a foreign concept to you because you've had such bad examples, but a guy should and want to put you first. He should want to travel halfway across the world just to be near you. You know, that's just my take on it" Dan smiles as he looks over at me while we manage to bump into each other as we walk

"Is this going to be about my romantic failures, because mind you Humphrey, you haven't been so successful. Vanessa, that's one that you shouldn't tell too many people about" I tease him

"Vanessa and I…we were, we were" Dan tried to explain "But no, this isn't going to be me bashing your romantic past" he said

"Then let's refer to your oh so dazzling description of what you think I think love is? I mean I'm dying to hear the justification behind that. Millions of people now know that I like to live in twisted fairytales" I tell him

"Part of that was anger and bitterness, but then truth came out in the end. I hate that it had to come out that way, but I felt like that was the only way you'd ever hear me. I don't doubt that you know love, I just doubt that you know that love that you read in books and see in the movies" Dan said as he turned to look at me

"I was at a Gala and I decided to go to the restroom. Bumped into Nelly Yuki, and it took her apologizing for my loss of the baby that it finally registered to me that I had sacrificed so much to be with Chuck. I hurt people, I did things that I wasn't proud of. I just kept reasoning that it was all in the name of love. I thought he was my love story" I reasoned "I'd state the obvious of what was wrong with our relationship, but I'd always end up going back to him because he was the love of my life. I'd reason the clearly disturbing aspects of our relationship into sounding like it was the passion in our love, it was the fire that kept us drawn to each other" I told him "That's love to me, and I'm afraid that I may still want that. I'm afraid that I may always feel like pain should be a part of a relationship because that's what makes it worth it" I tell him

"Waldorf, loving someone includes minimal pain. You should laugh more than you cry. You should talk more than you argue. You should understand more than scheming against. I can only tell you my definition of love, but I can't tell you what it is. You dictate that" Dan says "What do you want out of it?" he asks as he tucks a strand of hair behind my ear

"I just want to feel comfortable in it. I want that love that's pure and simple, nothing else. No games. No manipulations. I just want to love to make my days better, not to define who I am" I tell him

"See, you knew. You've known all along, you just have to believe it's out there. Whether it be with us or anyone else" Dan smiles "I was hurt that you chose him, but I was more hurt because I knew you deserved better. Whatever you choose to do, I just want you to be happy with or without me" he says

"I want it to be you. I think we have something" I tell him as he begins to sigh

"It's going to take time" Dan sighs

"Then I'm prepared to wait because I'd rather wait to get it right then rush to get it wrong" I reply "I meant what I said, I love you…and I know that you're not ready to say it to me, but I feel your love even though you don't say it. You see there's signs Humphrey, and ignoring them will only make me fool because I like to think they're there for a reason. All signs point to you Humphrey" I tell him as I grab his hands to look him dead in the eyes.

"C'mon, let's stop being so doom and gloom" Dan laughs as he intertwines his fingers with mine.

Humphrey was right about stopping the doom and gloom. It had become the part of my life that I didn't want to face, but we had managed to talk it to death. We admitted our wrongs and now it was time to move past it. Humphrey and I splashed around a bit in the water, but mostly I just hit him with the water. For the resident Californian, he wasn't that skilled at running on the beach sand. I have to admit that I don't think I've laughed and enjoyed myself in the span of one day than I did with him. It was like we could laugh about anything, it could be as simple as teasing the other about their facial expression. It's like we have this sense of humor that only the other possesses, which is strange because I thought I always had a dark humor but he understands it. His sarcasm matched with my sarcasm makes for entertaining banter that keeps me alert.

Later that night, Humphrey and I catch a movie in the park. We stop off at a local grocery store where we buy boxes worth of candy from sour patches to my favorite, Reese's. We buy popcorn at the park and get a perfect spot to view the movie. I end up laying in between his legs as the feature film is Roman Holiday. I squeal with excitement because everything Audrey Hepburn is great and all Humphrey can do is say that I have luck on my side. We enjoy the movie and we even manage to get in a few extra touches here and there. I play with the hairs on his leg while plays with my fingers. It's as far as we go that night, but touching him is exactly what I like. He holds my hand as we walk around the lighted path of the park and I can't help but feel over the moon. I like this, I like it a lot and I like it with him.

* * *

**April 28, 2013**

Today we keep things light. Humphrey tells me that I need to loosen up. He mentions that I love the thrill and adrenaline in life, which is true. I love the thrills, but I don't know exactly what can substitute that. Humphrey has a solution to that, which I find a bit odd because my usual thrills consisted of sex toys. I don't tell Humphrey that because he hasn't fully seen my kinks that I enjoy in the bedroom. By the time I figure out what Humphrey has in store for us, we end up pulling up at Six Flags. Yeah, a rollercoaster isn't exactly what I was thinking of. I look at how huge the rides are and I become intimidated.

Humphrey can tell that I'm nervous as he buys our ticket, so he makes sure to hug me and touch me as much as possible. We get our fast passes that apparently gives us the chance to bypass all the crowds. We stand in line, and I lean in to his chest while he runs the sides of my arms. I'm beyond nervous at this time because these rides seem like if you're sitting in the wrong position, it could snap your neck in a heartbeat. A part of me wants to run because this would be my first time ever going on a rollercoaster, well if you count the figurative relationship with Chuck, then I should be able to endure a loop or two. The closer we get, Humphrey doesn't want to pester me with his constant comforting, but I want him to. I want him to comfort me and push me into thinking that. I guess that's what I need, I need someone to push me when I feel like I can't do something. He does it to perfection. He knows when to comfort and push, but he also knows that in the end it has to become my dragon to slay because then it'll be my moment, it'll be something I did. He doesn't want the credit, he just wants to be there.

Getting on the ride was definitely thrilling and got the adrenaline juices flowing. I begin to feel like I can get on anything now because I've conquered the first. I got to Batman, Superman, Viper, and many others that manage to carry us through the night. I feel like a kid, wishing and hoping that we could return as we leave the park. Humphrey laughs as he promises to get me a season pass for the next time I come out. I like that he says there will be a next time because at least I know I'm not bugging him. Holding hands, we walk to the car. Holding hands as he drives. He manages to make holding his hand the best thing to look forward to.

I hate every bit of packing. You have to pack everything in hopes that you remember to pack even the stuff you don't want loading your luggage down. I only brought one small bag, so it's not that much. I look at a picture of us at the amusement park, and I have to say that it was the best picture I've ever taken. I stare at it for a few moments because I can still hear the laughter from today. I hate leaving him. Who'd ever think I'd hate leaving Humphrey of all people. It takes me a good hour before I give the final seal of approval that I'm ready to leave.

When we get to the airport, I have thirty minutes to kill before I have to board the plane. Humphrey gets coffee and tea for me while we wait. I lean my head on his shoulder as we watch for my flight to appear on the screen. I can't help but wonder how we're going to do this. He'll be in California. I'll be in New York. How do we make it work? How do we see what we are if he's so far away? I question like crazy in my head. Looking at the clock, I see that my plane is about to board in fifteen minutes. Times all ready working against us.

"When will I see you again?" I finally ask as the thoughts of not seeing him is killing me

"I don't know" Dan sighs

"You don't have any time off coming soon?" I ask

"With the movie picking up, it'll be wall to wall crazy" Dan replies "I was lucky that I didn't need to go in this weekend" he says as I quickly sit up in my seat

"So we just go another couple of weeks without seeing each other? I have to fly out to get you to talk to me? Humphrey, you said we were going to work at this but it doesn't sound like you're going to work at it" I ask

"I told you it wasn't going to be that simple" Dan says

"I didn't expect for it to be, but I expected you to try at least. I thought we were going to try?" I ask as he just hangs his head trying to avoid looking at me. I take a moment to realize that he's as scared as I am. He doesn't want me to leave, but he knows that he has to let me leave. "I'm not going to give up on you. I'm in this. I promise you that" I whisper to him

"Even miles away?…what if Georgia sweeps you off your feet?" Humphrey smiles as he asks

"Not gonna happen" I laugh "Do you want me to leave my Columbia shirt? So you can wear it to bed" I tease him

"I don't think it'll fit, I tried it on while you were asleep this morning" Dan replies as I just laugh hysterically. "I should really consider going on a diet" he then adds as his sense of humor always manages to make me laugh.


	8. May 2013

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Eight- **

**May 2013**

* * *

**May 20, 2013**

School is going insanely good. I went by the counselor's office to talk about my transcripts and apparently I had more credits than I thought. Some of the classes I took were able to count for electives in my major, so it looks like I'll be graduating sooner than I thought. That thought alone has made my day because I thought I'd have years on top of years to graduate but I guess by winter I'll be in good shape. My Counselor encourages me to use my job at Waldorf Inc as my internship so I can get credit for it, which I have no problem in doing. I find the visit to be helpful because that makes me even more determined to get my Bachelor's degree. Then it's Master's degree after that. I don't tell Humphrey, but I think that day I went and bought more Columbia apparel because I want to have every bit of representation of this school.

Serena and I hang out more on a frequent basis. She seems to be a permanent fixture in my apartment. With Nate's random drop by visit, I hate to believe that they were just waiting for one of us to finally break the mode and get an apartment on their own so the rest could lounge. Serena tells me more and more about her job at the rec center, and I honestly start to see that working there has allowed her to tap into what she's good at it. She tells me about this girl named Sophie, who's a fashionista in the making. I tell Serena to have her sign up for the Young Designer program, which I will put a bit more effort to get her in because from all the praise I hear from Serena, it sounds like the girl is talented. We stay up late eating pizza while we discuss our boy problems. It's weird at first, but we're able to discuss Humphrey. She's dating again, and happens to like this guy a lot. His name is Patrick and he works at the rec center as well. Nothing like an in office romance. It's late when she decides to leave because she has to go over to see Lilly by the end of the night.

It's late after I finish taking my shower that I get comfortable on my bed with my lap top camera focus on me. Humphrey and I skype on a nightly basis since the distance is still a presence in this relationship. I'm not sure if it's even a relationship really. We haven't really put labels on anything yet, and I don't want to rush him into putting a label on it quite yet. A few tabloids have him linked with actresses that work on the movie, and I hate to say it but the pictures can look that way at times. The only thing that keeps me for falling for the lies is that I trust him. My trust is strong, but this distance is killing me. His image appears on screen as I can't help but smile for the moment and shake the doubts out of my head.

"Waldorf!" Dan says excitedly in a teasing manner that makes me smile even though it's nothing extraordinary

"Are you writing?" I ask

"Yep. I finished the tenth chapter in record time. I'm beginning on the eleventh tomorrow night" Dan tells me "How was work and school?" he asks

"It was good" I reply

"Didn't you have that meeting with your counselor?" Dan asks and I swear I love him more because he remembers that fact even though I mentioned it two weeks ago "I know you were nervous, so how'd it turn out?" he asks

"Good. I'm going to be graduating early. Winter if I'm lucky" I tell him

"It'll be winter. If anything, you probably mapped out what classes you'll be taking and what grade you're forcing yourself to get" Dan laughs "You got ambition, own it" he smiles

"Can I book you on a flight for winter? I mean we could make it a month visit, that'd be a great graduation present" I ask

"It would, but it wouldn't be a months worth. I'll make it, don't worry. Even if I stay there for graduation then fly back out that night, I'll be there" Dan tells me "So have you read up on the weekly tabloids?" he asks cautiously

"Oh, you mean the one that has you linked with Taylor Gunthers. Yes, I read that. I even liked the picture of her kissing you on the cheek" I tell him as I can't hide the fact that I hate that Taylor girl touching him

"It's nothing like it seems. I'm not seeing anyone or doing anything that I haven't told you about" Dan tells me

"That's great. I mean I don't have claim on you" I reply

"What's that supposed to mean?" Dan asks

"Exactly what I said. You're single in the tabloid eyes. Hell, you're single in my eyes because we haven't exactly said that we are anything more" I say as I lay back against my headboard

"What happened to taking it slow?" Dan asks with a bit of laughter

"We're slow all right…" I begin to say

"Waldorf, you're my girlfriend. I guess I just thought you knew that" Dan told me

"In the land of assumptions, that was a bold one to make. I do have an answer to your apparent lack of asking me about this sudden relationship I've entered into without knowing" I tell him

"Uh…okay" Dan replies a bit confused

"I find my time with you to be that of enjoyable, but I respectfully decline" I tell him

"You're declining being my girlfriend?" Dan asked

"The old me would've accepted that and smiled happily, but I'm going to need a little effort on that one" I smile as he leans close in to the camera to kiss the lense

"I kissed you. Now will you be my girl?" Dan asks

"Nope" I reply before a yawn escapes me "I think I've suddenly come down with a case of the sleeps" I yawn

"Waldorf" Dan laughs

"Goodnight Humphrey. Enjoy your single sleeping" I tell him before I log off of skype. Putting my laptop on the side, I get comfortable in my bed before my skpe program comes up again as a video call is coming in. I laugh to myself as I can't help but think a little scheme wouldn't hurt in helping Humphrey know that slow was good, but I still wanted him to treat me like the diamond he thought I was. I ignore the call as I smile while resting my head on the pillow.

* * *

**May 21, 2013**

Humphrey manages to attack both my skype account and e-mail with messages as he desperately tries to get a hold of me. I feel guilty for not picking up. Well almost. I want him to sweat it out a bit so I'll call during work. I know that with the meaningless tabloids, media searches for something to throw in your face as the new thing. I know I trust him. I trust him more than anything. I guess I just want to know where we stand to have more instilled into that trust. There have been countless times when I'm alone, that I begin to think about our weekend together in California. I have half the mind to find an amusement park in New York, but it wouldn't be the same. Though I do love my adrenaline rush and all that goes with it.

Today I have set up to meet the young prodigy that Serena keeps telling me about. I'm eager to meet this Sophie because I hope that I'll be able to give her the tools to be successful in this industry. I guess I'm just eager to meet her because she's the first real applicant that I can see. We've got thousands of applicants, but I see no face along with it by the time it makes it's way to me. I see the design and go from there. Serena praises this girl like none other. I'm beginning to think that Serena has secretly become her manager because she's so eager for us to meet.

Sitting in my office, I get the buzz that Sophie has finally made it. I do the typical send her in right away thing. I get up from my seat to greet Sophie as she immediately enters into my office. But this is where things get a bit awkward. I don't notice the over all girl. I don't think wow she's mature for her age just by her style. I don't know what she's wearing. I notice her make up. I try to focus on other things but I notice the make up she has on her face. I notice the long sleeved blouse that she has on that is her work attire. I know, snobbish of me, but I just notice it. Sophie immediately goes in to telling me that she's a big fan of mine. She's always followed me through Gossip Girl. I find that to be odd because I've never met a fan through Gossip Girl. She loved my wedding to the Prince before the whole tape came out, but she thought that was amazing because true love prevailed in the end. Not sure what to make of that because that was the worst wedding day of my life, but I smile.

Sophie shows me her sketches that she's designed, and I want to say I'm paying attention but I just can't stop looking at her make up. Her blouse just keeps begging for attention as I try to focus on the sketches. Sophie speak elegantly and she seems to really love fashion. Serena's words hold true as she could very well be a part of this industry and this program, but it's that make up and that blouse that leave me questioning things more than I should.

"So as you can see, I just love patterns. I'd wear them every day if it wasn't a fashion don't" Sophie laughs nervously as I just look at her for a few moments. I begin to look at her. I mean really look at her. I can see her joy to be near me, but all I keep thinking is one singular thought and it has to do with that make up and that blouse. I get up from my seat. Walk over. Close the door. Then come back to take my seat. "Oh, God. You didn't like them" she begins to panic

"No, I liked them. I think you have a great eye for fashion and details" I tell her as I smile sadly at her "I just wonder about other things" I tell her after a few moments have passed

"Other things like what?" Sophie asks as silence come betweens us

"Sophie, does someone hit you?" I ask finally breaking the swirling questions of doubt in my head

"What? Why would you ask that?" Sophie asks becoming defensive

"No, I…" I begin to reason

"You have no right to ask about my personal life!" Sophie tells me angrily

"Then why cake on the make up?" I ask as she just glares at me "I've worn make up since I was six. Some times for play, and then because being raised in the Upper Eastside, it was a way of life" I say as I pull out a wet wipe from my drawer as I walk over towards her "The thing I know about make up is that it always hides something" I tell her as I hand her the wipe

"You don't know me" Sophie mutters

"No, but I know make up" I tell her "Wipe the make up off, particularly under your eye" I request as she begins to tremble for a moment. She's fighting the urge to cuss me out but she needs this opportunity. She needs it so bad that she's willing to compromise herself. Wiping out the make up from up under her eye, I see what I suspected under her eye. It's black. "Can you roll up your sleeves?" I ask

"Why are you doing this?" Sophie questions

"Just roll up your sleeves?" I ask her nicely as she obliges to show that bruises that are arm.

"There! You happy!" Sophie asks as I look on at the bruises on her body "How'd you know with the blouse?" she asks

"That blouse was around when my mother was going to college" I tell her "I don't say that to be a snob of any sort" I then correct my self "Sophie, who hits you?" I then ask

"No one. I bruise easily. I'm a klutz" Sophie reasons

"So you just go around blacking your eye and bruising up your arms?" I ask her finding that reason to be beyond ridiculous.

"Why do you care? I mean this is my problem, if it were a problem" Sophie asked

"You're right. It's not my problem, but I just think you might need to talk because clearly no one else is smart enough to realize the obvious clues" I tell her as I take a seat on the front of my desk "Then there's also the fact that you want in to the program, and I may be your ticket in. I want to know because I want to know that the person I have in this program isn't going to screw up an opportunity. So that was me sounding sympathetic" I tell her as she thinks to herself for a moment as if she wonders what to do.

"All right. I may…I may be involved in a situation, but it's nothing that would stop me from being able to do the program" Sophie tells me

"It would because I think that you want to believe that it would but it will" I say

"How do you know? What would you know about my situation?….you have no idea what it's like to be me. Yeah, my boyfriend gets a little upset sometimes but he loves me. All we have is each other. He can't get mad at the world, so I'm the only one he can vent to. What we have is rare, but the unique love is rare" Sophie said as I just sat there in complete disbelief that she honestly believed what she said. I mean she was talking like there was actual truth behind it. "We have bad days, but our good days outweigh the bad" she told me

"Look, I know what it's like because….I was you. I may not have been hit, but I know what it's like to believe that you're destined to be with someone…" I began to say

"Then you'd know that this isn't a big deal" Sophie quickly added

"It is because as much as you think that you're in your own epic love story, the more you will lose. Deep down he may love you, but his love shouldn't be a black eye. I was fortunate enough to not get hit, but it doesn't mean I wasn't in an abusive relationship. Abuse doesn't have to be about hitting someone, but about belittling someone to make them inferior to you. That doesn't go to say that I didn't have my share in the relationship being bad, but a guy will treat you the way you allow him to treat you…" I begin to say

"I'm the happiest I've ever been. I don't know why I'm even explaining this to you because you'll never understand" Sophie says

"I do understand, which is why I'm giving you some good advice on this" I said as I felt like I was talking to myself at this moment. Walking towards her so she had to look me in the eyes "He may be the one. You may love him. You may think life doesn't exist without him. You may think that he's the only one that gets you. You may think that him making you feel weak is his way of building you up, but I'm here to tell you that it's not. You have goals, it's clear to see but you will never meet these goals until you see that your biggest goal should be to break free of this guy. You should be your number one goal above everyone else" I tell her as tears begin to fall from her eyes

"I really want this. Please don't take this from me…I'll do whatever it takes. I promise you" Sophie starts crying as I find myself trapped in the body of being sixteen and in love. I know what it feels like to be the girl that's fighting for something to make sense in your life, when you know deep down it's so dark and twisted that any sane person would frown upon. I felt like I had to break out of that mode to finally see what was in front of me. Pulling her into a hug. Sophie just cries and cries. I can't help but feel

Once Sophie leaves, I can't help but feel effected by what she's shared with me. I find it hard to sit and work, when I can't help but feel like there's a sixteen year old girl that is me walking out there. I get angry. I get sad. I get everything under the sun in the moments after Sophie leaves. I call Serena and question why she sends Sophie to me. Why send her to me at all times? Serena defends that I am the person that Sophie looks up to me. That doesn't make it any better. Now I feel like I'm responsible for her. This position that I hold, I fear that among the nameless faces they may all see my past as something to emulate. I fear that my past has become someone's present. What I viewed as a curse to be under Gossip Girl's watchful eye, I now fear that I used that platform to spread the wrong message.

I welcome any change of scenery as I felt like I was suffocating in that office. I practically rush home. I want to get her out of my head. I want to pretend like there aren't anymore Sophie's out there. I go up to my room and throw on an Columbia sweater as I just don't care. My hair is in a messy bun as I walk around in tube socks. Grabbing my tub of ice cream from the fridge, I lounge on the sofa as I surf the channels to see what's on. I hate it because nothing seems to be on. Why is it that when you really want to watch tv, nothing is on? This gets me even more upset because I really want to pig out, but I can't because I've got informercials telling me I can lose weight easily in two weeks. Just as I feel even more sad for myself, I hear rocks being thrown at my window. I begin to question that I'm hearing things, but the noise continues. Putting my ice cream down to the side. I get up and go to the window to luckily dodge a rock that's coming my way. I look down to see that it's Humphrey standing outside dressed as if he just came from working out as he ware his sweatshirt and sweatpants.

"Okay, I know why I look so bad, but why do you?" I ask

"You didn't return any of my calls" Dan says nearly out of breath

"I was going to call you back" I told him

"I couldn't take the chance of you not, so I kind of did something crazy" Dan tells me

"Dress like you came from the gym" I conclude

"No, well…yes, I was at the gym. I started thinking about you. I was supposed to go to work, but I just couldn't manage to go straight home to change and I just flew out here" Dan says as I can't help but let a smile crack even though I don't want to because my day was so bad. "And seeing that…that let's me know that I'm not crazy for doing what I did. I'd fly around the world to see your smile" he says and as corny as it sounds, I believe it. He makes me believe it because it's in his eyes. I see it in his eyes that he adores me.

"I had a bad day" I sigh as he lean over the window sill

"Why?" Dan asks as he has not problem with carrying on a conversation looking up from the sidewalk to my window

"My past managed to catch up to me" I tell him

"Is it bad or good?" Dan asks

"Nothing that I can't handle" I say before I find that talking to him on a sidewalk while I stand in my apartment is a bit weird since all I want is to have him near in this moment. It's like my day is bad and I want to shield the world, but he's the only world I want to exist in my world at the moment. "Just come up" I tell him

"I have to ask you something first" Dan says

"What?" I ask him

"Can I have the honor of calling you my girlfriend?" Dan asks as that boyish charm that he has does the one thing I needed the most, wiped all my troubles away.

"I suppose" I sigh before breaking into laughter

I'm not even dolled up to what he's used to, but still he looks at me like I'm dressed to kill. We manage to do nothing at all but sit on the sofa and talk. He encourages me to be the example I want to be now, while learning from my past. He doesn't love my past, but he doesn't judge me for it. He's my best friend, and without even being called, he always manages to be where I need him the most, right next to me.

* * *

**May 22, 2013**

Waking up beside him is the best feeling in the world. I like watching him sleep because it's the only time I can wonder what he's thinking about. It's the only time I can get a grip on myself because I'm still pinching myself at the fact that everything with him is ten times better than what I dreamt it could be. I like knowing where he is and how he's sleeping. Most of the time, Humphrey is up all night slaving over a computer to where he's getting only a minimum of three hours worth of sleep. While he's here, he sleeps as if he's never slept before. He holds me close like I'm his pillow. He inhales me like I'm his favorite scent. He makes me feel like I'm what he needs, not what he wants and I like that. I notice his hair is gradually growing. I've seen it long, and I don't want it to get back to that. I like it short and a bit messy, but I guess I like him however. Wrapping my arms around him, I just take him in as I place kisses on his forehead. Still asleep, he wraps his arms around my waist as he pulls me closer.

We stare at each other. Tracing the outline of each other's arms as we just enjoy these few moments we have with each other. I hate that he has to leave, but I love that he came. It's a weird situation to be in. It's one of those moments that we don't talk a lot, but we say the necessary things that need to be said. I swear in these moments, I curse myself for not saying what I should've said almost a year ago. I love him. Every part of me loves him. My body loves him. His kiss electrifies me as I find it impossible to not want to touch him. Our clothes become a figment of the past as we wrap ourselves up in each other. It feels like a Sunday Morning, where it's just simple and us being together. We make love and I feel more alive than ever. It's been a while since we've been together in the carnal sense, but it's a feeling I love and miss. I missed being one with him. I missed see him naked. I missed kissing his bare chest. I missed being naked with him in the literal sense as I was in the figurative.

Every ounce of time we have left before he has to go, we spend together. Bodies wrapped up in the sheets of my bed as we just talk. We talk about everything and nothing. I begin to think that I've never felt closer to him, but I know that by the end of the day I will learn something new about him that I never knew. I love every phase of him, even the one that looks like he's half asleep. I hate goodbyes more than ever now.


	9. As Time Passes

**The Waldorfian Conundrum**

**Chapter Nine- **

**As Time Passes**

* * *

**October 4, 2013**

I'm uber excited for Humphrey. Tonight is officially the night for Dan's movie premiere at the Toronto Film Festival. With much coordinating, mostly done by me, we're able to squeeze in a mini vacation as we enjoy the weekend together. It's been trips back and forth from Los Angeles to New York. Every time I feel like life will come to slap me in the face by finding some monkey wrench in our relationship, it seems that the distance only makes us stronger. Every moment he has, he wants spend with me. I think we've racked up so much air mileage going back and forth that we know certain pilots by name now. Whenever he has a weekend or even a day, he's figuring out a way to come to New York as I do the same with him.

We make our relationship work. It's been tough, but we make it work. We skype. We talk. We're honest. Our friendship is still the basis of what makes us strong as a couple, and I love that above everything else. We're in a good place and I'm happy to share this moment with him. The media has talked up his adaptation as being a runaway success for when it does hit the box office. The movie goes beyond the typical teenage setting as it takes a more docudrama approach to the characters. I remember countless times Humphrey being upset about something with the director, but in the end it was his passion and the directors merging together that allowed them both to put their all into the project. I love that Humphrey takes those that challenge him as his biggest source of help because he knows that he has to present top notch quality in order to win. I love his passion and I love that with this project he's manage to manifest his career into something he never thought he'd be into.

Before going to the festival, Humphrey takes me out to a private dinner where we're not hounded by cameras of any sort. With the buzz on this movie, Humphrey has become a self made celebrity in the right way. You'd never know because he still acts the same and does the same things. It'd be easy for him to get wrapped up in the craziness that is the well known Toronto Film Festival, but he still wants to hang out with me. He wants his free time to be with me and making sure we talk. He makes it a habit to make me his priority, even when I welcome the chance that I might not see him as much. I'm glad that he proves me wrong on that subject.

When we arrive at the festival, girls are screaming. Reporters want to talk to him along with the cast. I stand back and enjoy that he's found his success and I get to be by his side. As his girlfriend I'm proud, but as his best friend I'm ecstatic because I know how much he wants this. He holds my hand, pulling me to be by side. He doesn't want me to walk behind him for one second. He says it's nerves, but it's him sharing this with me. He needs me to be by him, at time he lets me lead but he wants me by his side. I know it sounds useless, but I've been in relationships where me walking behind just became the requirement. With Humphrey, he breaks all those rules.

I hear questions about his personal life, which he dodges due to the fact that Gossip Girl has taught him well to keep things private. The way he looks at me and whispers to me, I'm almost sure that magazines are going to speculate correctly that I'm the girlfriend. To be honest, I can't wait for them to print it because I know I'm buying every copy for keepsake. The director gives him his well deserved credit, and that makes me glad because now people will respect Humphrey as a writer but as director as well for future purposes.

Critics rave about the movie. People love the drama and relate to the characters. I almost cringe as I'm not sure I want to hear about what they felt about my character. The responses are mixed, but nothing I haven't heard before. I hear people root for the character because they feel like when Clair does get how much Dylan loves her, she'll see that the love she's wanted has been there all along. I guess I could've used these people in real life. It would've saved a lot of tears. Humphrey checks on me as he knows the critics can knit pick on characters, but Clair is well received because the actress makes her so sympathetic. If there's one thing I know from having a writer as a boyfriend, I realize that acting is half the battle when the written material has to be worthy.

I grow to love Toronto. I want to return if possible. Maybe I should encourage Humphrey to continue to direct and write so we can come back every year. I love him and I'm proud. I don't think I can say that enough because it doesn't even begin to describe how overjoyed I am for him in this moment and every moment of the day.

* * *

**December 3, 2013**

The first ever Young Designer Program has begun it's final stages of selection. We're looking at June as being our start date of the program, in which the applicants will be placed in three months worth of learning. We pick up to twenty people with a promise of three internships available. I've overlooked the selections and I was glad to see that Sophie managed to make it into the final stages. I make mental note to keep up with her, not as a favorite but because of a connection I now shared with her. I make my changes to the company minimal, but it's enough to make me feel glad that I'm becoming better at this.

After work, I stop by the penthouse to have dinner with my mother. Dorota as usual is excited for me. She's eager for Humphrey to return to New York. With Dan's film moving into theaters for it's official release, Dan found that being in Los Angeles wasn't as big as of a necessity like they used to be. I was excited as well, but I didn't want to get my hopes up because I was all ready over the moon that I would be seeing Humphrey more than passing weekends. My mother tries to be the dutiful housewife, but I can tell that she's aching to ask about business. I let minimal words slip out on what was going on around the office, while singing the praises of Leann, there isn't much I can relay to her. Dinner used to be at max, twenty minutes before we all went our separate way, but now dinner becomes full conversations. Conversations that we all actually enjoy.

I love hanging with my family, but I can't wait to get home. I have a bit of situation, but I'm eager to talk about it with Humphrey. I'm hoping it's nothing, but I've been in this position before so I'm prepared for anything to turn up. As soon as I get home, I take my usual shower and get into my pajamas. I grab my rice krispies treats and begin to snack on them before I get a skype phone call. I do the best I can to clean myself up, but I find that to be useless because I'm all ready a mess of all sorts. He pops up on the screen and I just smile.

"Hey" Dan smiles as he adjusts his camera "How was your day?" he asked

"Good" I smile as he looks in close towards his camera to see what it is that I'm wearing

"Love the Columbia shirt. It's becoming your signature shirt now" Dan laughs

"I know. I'm starting to become obsessed with it, and I wash it nearly every other day. So I'm going ratty old style with this" I joke

"I'd love to see that" Dan told her

"I need to talk to you about something" I sigh as I lean up against the headboard

"Okay, we can talk" Dan tells me as he takes a sip from his soda while it's clear he picked up something to eat on his way home. "What's wrong?" he asked as he noticed a look on my face that was a bit timid.

"I have a bit of a situation on my hand. Something that I'm not sure how you'll feel about" I sigh

"Just tell me" Dan replies

"….I've been late" I reluctantly tell him as he takes a moment to access what I've told him

"How late?" Dan asks

"About four weeks" I told him "I'm usually a week late if so, but I'm always on time" I add

"Do you think you're pregnant?" Dan asks

"I don't know. I'm a bit worried because this isn't like before. I don't want to scare you…." I begin to say as I bring my knees to my chest

"It's not scaring me. I'm not scared" Dan tells me as he moves closer into the camera so I can see his face clearly "Whatever we have to do, we'll do it. I'm not just going to chicken out on you, I love you too much to do that" he tells me as I realize this is the first time he's said I love you since the debacle that was our first ending.

"You love me?" I ask as a smile comes to my face while all he can do is laugh

"Yes, I love you. I've loved you all this time, it shouldn't be that big of a surprise" Dan laughs as he begins to blush

"I know, it's just nice to hear it now of all times" I tell him as I don't want to tease him too much "I'm going to see my doctor on Friday" I sigh

"I wish I was going to be there with you" Dan groans in frustration as he runs his hand through his mess of hair. I can tell that he hates that he's in Los Angeles of all places because he'd rather be here with me. "I want to be there with you. I really want to be there" he mutters as he hides his face.

"I know and I love you for that" I reply as a silence comes between us

"No matter what happens, I want you to tell me. We'll deal with whatever the situation may be. If you're pregnant, I'm happy. If you're not, I'm happy" Dan tells me as I feel his strength seeping through in to me

"Have you ever thought about having kids? I mean if we were, do you think we'd be in that spot to have a kid?" I ask out of curiosity

"We could. I mean we're both young, and we're both beginning our careers…" Dan begins to say

"That sounds like you're about to give me a reason as to why we can't have a kid" I laugh

"But we have the necessities. We love each other and we work as a team. It may be tough, but there's not a person I'd want to have a baby with more than you" Dan tells me "If you'd ask me that question a couple of years ago, I would've said I wouldn't be ready until I was thirty but life doesn't work like that. It doesn't wait for you to be ready. Having Miloh for that time in my life, I realized that I'm ready for any thing in my life. It made me responsible for not just my life, but for him. Sex isn't just sex to me, I can't be with randoms because I want to have a baby with someone that I love and respect" he says

"So are you saying you love and respect me?" I ask as my eyes begin to water with how he manages to make me feel secure and safe even when I feel like I want to scream.

"I'm saying that what you may think is horrible isn't. So don't worry, and just know that I really want to be there with you" Dan says

"I wish you were as well" I smile "Thank you, for telling me about Miloh. We've never really discussed what you went through with losing Miloh, but I guess that's just another thing we have in common" I smile weakly.

* * *

**December 6, 2013**

I don't really tell anyone about my doctors appointment because I just don't feel like everyone needs to know. Dorota can sense that something is wrong with me, but I'm just hoping that she'll chalk up to having to be about work. I just hope to get through this day without worrying about anything involving my doctors appointment. I mean it could always lead to be something else other than pregnancy because things like this always comes up with medical situations at hand. I want to keep things normal and I don't want special treatment of any sort from anyone. I just need to keep cool and keep my head on straight.

I walk through the office, business as usual. I take the usual meetings with the board. I have my private time with Leann, where we discuss the necessary focus of the week. I take in what are the objectives of each focus of the week, and I make sure that they will be handled accordingly. Leann notices that I have this extreme obsession with having water around, but I play it off as being nothing but dehydration scare. I was fearful that Leann would notice that I might be pregnant, but I was fortunate enough for her not to realize it. I'm doing every thing I can to just keep my composure, but the last thing I need is for someone to figure it out.

Once the work day comes to a close, I busy myself with logging up information that I all ready know on my student account for school. A test I've all ready taken. A grade that I found more than pleasing. A homework assignment I had finished. Everything was done in true Waldorf fashion, early and diligently. There's nothing left for me to do with either work or school. The only thing I have to face is the results of whether or not my life is about to change. Logging off my computer. Closing up my office. I walk down towards the elevator. Smiling at entry level associates that I've come to know by name. I stand in front of the elevator. It's but a mere second before the sliding doors open and I must board the elevator.

Every bit of my movement is nervous. I drink enough water that I'm sure I can never drink water again. I go into a bathroom stall and wait for the ultimate results. I pee in to the cup. Take it to the nurse as she smiles happily at me. I fear she may all ready know my master plan, and that her smile is just telling me that she knows what's out there for me. I walk back to my seat in the waiting room. I flip through countless parenting magazines and I can't help but think back to the first time I discovered I was pregnant. There wasn't a need to read the parenting magazines because I had no real desire to be a parent. It was lonely. It was something I wasn't wishing to be true. Only one person had known that day, just like he was the one person that knew about to day. Still that day, it was lonely. It was the loneliest I had ever felt. I begin to tremble as I fear that I may cast the burden of being a parent to a possible unborn child that I might be carrying.

The wait feels like a lifetime. I tremble. I shake. I do everything but recall my childhood memories of interacting with kids. I can't bring up one memory because even then, children were never my thing. I don't know for sure what I want in this moment. I'm in a better place than I was the first time around, but I still feel lonely. My thoughts run rampant that I feel guilty for even being in this office. Mothers come here. Mother's that have every intention to nurture and provide come here. Mothers that want nothing more than to be second to their needs of what their child may need. My hands tremble even more that I fear that they may shake right off. They become steady at the simple gesture of a touch. I look over to see that the one that knew then, will know now. Looking like he had a minimum of an hours worth of sleep, Humphrey looks like a mess but even still he fakes that he's strong. He takes my burden away just by the simple touch of his head. He holds my hand as it's only a job he can do perfectly.

It's only in a matter of minutes that the doctor relinquishes me of all doubts that circle around in my head. I'm not pregnant. I should be happy. I mean I have my life back. I have the ability to be a hundred percent in my career, but I'm not happy. I don't know what I am. Humphrey holds my hand still and to be honest, it's the only thing that's keeping me upright. I'm not pregnant. The doctor tells us the usual run down of pregnancy and what I could've mistaken it for. He tells me things that I don't even remember by the time he moves on to the next word. I'm not pregnant. I don't know what I want, but I guess I never thought hearing that would make me so numb.

Humphrey has to leave out in the morning on a turnaround. I want him to sleep because I fear he may pass out from sleep deprivation. We get back to my place and I instantly feel like I have to tend to him. I make him a cup of tea that he likes because he's told me so and has a special box in the cabinet. I pull his clothes out that he has left over. I grab him a towel. I turn the shower on. I check the temperature of his water. I don't stop moving because I fear that if I do….I fear that I might just be that girl again. I fear that I might be weak, and being weak is something I can't be again.

"Blair" Dan says to me as he forces me to stop

"I think you have a pair of sweats in the drawer. What time is your flight again?" I ask as I try to get out of his embrace

"I'm fine with what I have on" Dan tells me

"Humphrey, you can't just get back on a plane in the same clothes. You need to take a shower. You need to change" I say as I manage to escape his clutches "I mean I'm surprised you even admit to that" I laugh to keep myself upbeat

"You wanted it today. You wanted to be pregnant" Dan states as he just gets to the point. I freeze as I open the drawer. What am I suppose to say? I'm not pregnant. I'm not ready to be pregnant. What am I suppose to say?

"I'm glad. I mean I'm not glad in that sense, but the timing wouldn't have been right" I reason

"But you wanted it?" Dan asked

"Are you asking if I planned to keep it?" I question as I'm unsure of what he's asking

"No. I meant did you want the doctor to say you were pregnant?" Dan asks as he walks towards me "Did some part of you want to make up for the first time?" he asks

"You're being cruel. That has nothing to do with anything" I tell him as my eyes begin to water

"It's okay if you did. I mean it's only natural after what you've gone through" Dan tells me

"I haven't gone through anything!….I didn't mourn. I didn't ache. I didn't do what a normal mother would've done at the sound of hearing you lost a child. I cried but a mere minute, but then it was back to Chuck. I didn't deserve a baby then and I don't deserve one now" I say as my emotions come spilling out.

"Don't say that. I happen to believe you deserve everything good in life, and you saying that…it's not true" Dan tells me

"It's the truth! Some people are meant to be mothers and some people are just meant to go without" I reply

"Yes, that may be true. I just think you think your curse will be to never get pregnant because you didn't appreciate it the first time around and it doesn't work like that" Dan tells me

"I know how it works!" I yell

"Then you should know that it wasn't your fault that you lost the baby. You were in a car accident, none of this is your fault" Dan says

"Yes, it is! I never wanted the child. I just saw it as another obstacle" I said

"Maybe, but your not being punished for that. There isn't some list that dooms women from ever having kids. It just wasn't our time" Dan tells me as a silence comes between us. The silence only breaks me down as all I'm left with are my thoughts.

"No matter what I do. No matter how hard I try to be better, I just feel like the one thing I can't fix is the fact that I lost my daughter. If there's anything I want most to be able to repair, I want to make things right with her" I cry

"And you will. You have. Every day you wake up, you make things right with her because you're becoming the woman she'd be proud of. You're becoming a woman ready to love and nurture, because when that time does come, you'll be ready to be something you weren't able to be then. You'll be capable to be a mother" Dan says as I just walk into his arms. I want him to never let go. I want to take his strength to have as my own because I feel like whatever is wrong, he can fight to make it right. Maybe now wasn't my time, but I hope that with each day that I'll be a step closer to it being my time.

* * *

**December 18, 2013**

Things have finally managed to settle down with my hectic life. With Christmas being just around the corner for me, I find that I want every last piece of business to be handled. I got my graduation organized to where all I have to do is show up. As soon as the New Year begins, I'll be graduating in the middle of January from Columbia University. Yay, for me. Humphrey is moving out by the end of the week, so it's been a major headache getting all his stuff out to New York then deciding what stuff to leave behind. Humphrey wasn't willing to part ways with his car, which isn't too surprising. What was a surprise was that he wanted to drive out to New York instead of fly out. We went back and forth on this, but he wanted to do it as a form of adventure. He wanted me to join in as a throwback to our road trip to Connecticut, but I had to pass on that forty one hour drive. I love him, but I need to be able to move around for a day.

I'm excited for him to move in. I even converted my office into a unisex to where it's not a complete feminist type of office for his tastes. Humphrey says he doesn't require much, but I know better than to just assume that he doesn't because he ultimately will. Dorota has managed to turn this into our project, which at times is useful but I fear she may have a mini crush on him. I guess it's all just crazy how one year can manage to change so much in my life. I thought I'd never to get to this place with Humphrey, but we've taken the long way to get here and I've enjoyed the journey.

This afternoon, I had to fly out to Hampton's for a runway show. I was excited for this new Michale Korrs line, that I forgot that business was involved in this trip. I think it became a little more leisure than anything. At the event, I got my usual front seat as I got an occasional reporter coming my way, asking about what I thought about the line. I absolutely loved Michael Korrs so there wasn't a bad thing to be said from me especially at his event. As the crowd began to filter in, I began to notice a familiar face sitting across the runway from me. I was a bit shocked to see him, but then I knew that he'd always show his clients around to the biggest events in the Hampton's.

Most of the show, I had no reason to look at him because all of my focus was on the stunning gowns. I must've made a list of gowns and shirts that I wanted to personally ask of the collection. I along with the other females in the crowd wanted more as he had only enhanced our addiction to all things fashion. After the show, I went to mingle with a few of my mother's friends. We discussed my involvement in the business and the work I was doing with our outreach programs that had encouraged others to do the same. It meant more competition for designers, but I was glad that I had inspired something to become a trend. Leann was good on giving me credit, so a part of me felt thankful that she was one that let me become my own leader rather than forced me into it. While talking with a few of the women, I wasn't too surprised that he had managed to make his way over towards me.

"You were always a fan of Korrs" Chuck whispers in my ear as I freeze for a moment before he eventually asks for us to have privacy "You look good Waldorf" he smiles

"You don't look so bad yourself Bass" I laugh to myself "Michael Korrs is business, nothing more. Well maybe a bit more for the personal" I tell him

"It's okay. We all have our addictions" Chuck smiles "So I guess I can dispel any thought that you came because you thought I'd be here?" he asks

"Aww, and there's that narcissist I hold dear" I laugh "No, I had no idea you'd be here" I tell him

"How have you been?" Chuck asks

"Good. Really good" I smile

"Are you happy?" Chuck asks "I mean are you really happy?" he questions as he walks towards me

"Yes, I'm really happy" I tell him "I'm finally comfortable" I add

"Good, because regardless of our past entanglements. I still want you to be happy" Chuck says "You'll always be number one to me, you know that right?" he says

"And maybe you'll find a girl to take me from that spot because you deserve that" I tell him

"Are the rumors true? You and Humphrey?" Chuck asks

"Yes. We're actually moving in together. We're serious" I tell him as he lowers his head trying to avoid my eyes "I'm in love with him" I add

"Yeah, I know. I figured you'd fall for him" Chuck laughs to himself "We had something passionate, but he was the one guy that I knew you'd need." he said

"I don't need Humphrey. Chuck, I needed myself" I reply "He's a great addition to my life, and being with him is great but a guy isn't what I needed" I tell him

"So us, it was never about anyone else?' Chuck asked

"Us was only about me" I reply "It's kind of scary how oblivious you are to me. I mean surely you had to see it, I wasn't happy. I was half a woman standing beside you" I told her

"Okay, I get it. Humphrey has made you all that you can be. I get it, you don't have to be cruel" Chuck replies as he seems a bit hurt but even then I'm in disbelief that he doesn't get it

"Chuck, I can break up with Dan today and I'd be fine. I don't need him to be happy or you for that matter, I'm happy because I finally feel secure in my own" I say "I loved you more than anything in this world, and while that love will always stay with me, I don't want to be that girl again. I let you have too much power over me, and for nothing…I didn't get you, I didn't even get a real half of you. I'm happy and it has nothing to do with any man" I said

"I guess the narcissist in me will always exist, especially with you. I will always love you, but I will always be grateful to you for being the one to let me go. I wasn't the man I wanted to be then, but…I've found someone that is making me realize that I can be and I thank you for that" Chuck laughs softly as I too can see that he's happy

"Now that, I'm happy for. Took you a while Bass, but I hope that you will get your fairy tale ending" I told him

"You know I don't believe in that stuff" Chuck replied

"You should. Makes things a bit more thrilling and gets the adrenaline pumping" I say

I was glad that I had talked to Chuck. Though it wasn't the usual pattern of us starting the cycle all over again, I was glad that we were able to talk and just let it be a conversation. The event as a whole was a great event because all things Michael Korr just are. I talked with other women that I would see at a daily function, but ultimately my biggest desire was to just back to where I felt comfortable. Going back to the hotel, I packed up my suitcase and called the pilot to tell him I'd be departing earlier than planned. The Hamptons was fun, but nothing could beat going back to sanity.

It was early in the morning before the car had dropped me off at his place. With his hoodie over his head with his usual sweat pants on, Humphrey waited at the end of his driveway as he waited for the car to come to a complete stop. Though I was supposed to head back to New York, I felt like a little stop off in San Jose was necessary because there was no place I wanted to be. I would probably regret it, but it was just something that I had to do. It was something that deep down was where I wanted to be. Helping me with my stuff, Humphrey couldn't wipe the laugh off of his face as he just couldn't stop looking at me. Once the driver drove off, Humphrey and I took to our usual banter as I just wrapped my arms around his waist as we walked. His car barely looked packed, but then again most of his stuff was all ready being sent over to my place.

"My little navigator" Dan jokes as he kisses the top of my head

"Is this all your stuff?" I ask as I break away from his embrace

"Basically. I just have a few random bags in the house" Dan sighed as we both leaned up against the trunk of the car "How was the Hampton's?" he asked

"It was good. I think I have a new Spring Collection that will slowly but surely every bit of your clothes will be etched out" I laugh as I know that I have to inform Humphrey on what happened "So I saw Chuck at the show" I mention as he lets out a deep sigh

"How'd that go?" Dan asks as he takes his hoodie off while he begins to play with his hair

"It went well" I told him

"Well as in things are like they were…." Dan began to say

"No, they're not like what they were. Why would you say that?" I ask

"Because it's Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck. You never know what crazy will ensue" Dan sighed

"I'm not going to say I assure you, but I will say that my life is with you. I've grown up this past year and it's only made me grow more in love with you. I don't want to hurt you again, I saw what that did to you and I don't want to do it again or even risk it. You're the best part of me, and you make me feel strong and safe….that's something I don't want to run from nor do I want you to let me run away from" I tell him

"So I'm your future?" Dan asks

"Yes" I smile "I mean that's if you want to be in it? Let's also keep in mind that I'm about to embark upon a road trip with you" I told him

"You know, it takes serious commitment for two people to ride across country together" Dan said "I mean before was different because we….despised each other…" he said

"We did" I agreed

"It could all be different now. We're an actual couple. Then we do kind of love each other" Dan teased "But your good, every front?" he asked

"Everything is good" I smile as I lean over to grab his face before I press my lips against his whether he wants to kiss me or not. Laughing against my lips, Humphrey does little to hide the fact that he's happy. We're happy and I know this time around I got it right.

"Thank you for telling me" Dan mutters as he tries not to show his appreciation

"You should get used to listening to me because you're going to hear my voice all day long come tomorrow for our cross country road trip" I reply excitedly as he just shakes his head in disbelief, wondering what he's got himself in to.

* * *

**Author's Note: The final chapter will be coming soon. I wanted to get some reader interaction on this, so what do you want to see in Blair's final chapter?**


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